Our True Heart: A Christmas Story

by Debbie and Becky


If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

— Dogen

*************************************************************


"When you decide what you want, I'll be here waiting." As the plane touched down, those words echoed in his head. Words spoken by Starsky one year ago to the day.

Now he was back in the heat of a California winter. He had missed Bay City, even at Christmas. The sun's warmth seeped into his tired bones, even though the chill of anticipation made him shiver.

Walking out on Starsky was the cruelest thing he had ever done. But, what other choice had there been? How else could they be certain that the love they felt for each other was real?

Hutch grabbed his bags, memories flooding his brain. Starsky lying unmoving in a pool of blood. The overwhelming sense of grief when he thought his best friend was dead.

Hutch fought for them both, bargaining with God in order to keep Starsky alive. God kept his end of the deal and now was the time for Hutch to keep his. He had to leave his heart and soul in Bay City.

As Hutch hailed a cab he painfully remembered the last time he saw Starsky. Tears were streaming down the brunet’s face as he begged Hutch not to leave. Nothing he could say could convince the blonde what they felt was more than friendship.

"Hutch, don’t do this. Give us more time and if you still feel this way after the New Year, then leave if ya have to." Hearing Starsky’s shaky voice hurt more than the look that passed between them.

Damn, how he loved him. All he wanted to do was take Starsky in his arms and kiss the pain away. Yet he knew that would keep Starsky from moving on with his life.

"It’s too much right now." Hutch had shrugged off Starsky’s seeking embrace, heading instead for his car. He wasn’t safe from Starsky even there, the smell of his friend lingered, ambushing his resolve to leave.

He knew his love for his partner was real, but that wasn’t enough. Physically, Starsky healed. But his emotions remained an open wound because of Hutch’s nearness.

Leaving was the only option. "You don't know what you're saying Starsky. You're just so used to having me around and now you're scared to be on your own again." Even Hutch didn’t believe the words as they came out of his mouth. But he had to have some kind of explanation for what he was doing, no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

It was pure hell for Hutch, but he loved Starsky enough to walk away. How else could Starsky realize what he felt was nothing more than gratitude. After all, Hutch had been by his side constantly as he recovered from Gunther’s bullets.

Too restless to go home, he drove to the beach. The night was warm and balmy. The moon was full and bright. No clouds lingered, making the moon shimmer across the waves. He thought about how hard leaving would be. It seemed a ludicrous decision when they both wanted the same thing.

The glad tiding of Christmas was lost on Hutch. With nothing to celebrate, he packed up the few belongings he wanted, putting the rest in storage along with his heart.

The only time he allowed himself to think of Starsky was when he told Huggy where he was going. This he felt was a safety net; that if the dark-haired man ever truly needed him, Huggy would know where to find him.

Deciding where to go wasn’t that difficult. By the time his plane landed in Duluth, the weather there finally matched his soul, dark and cold.

The one year separation had been marked by a phone call from Huggy. Their friend laid it on the line. "He ain’t the same blondie. You gotta come back. He... uh.., shit man, just get back here." Uncharacteristically, Huggy seemed at a loss for words. Hutch decided then and there to go home.

The ride from the airport to Huggy’s seemed to stretch on forever. Hutch thought his heart would break. "Man, he’s not eating. Won’t hardly leave his apartment. Keeps saying you’re coming back and he wants to be there when you do." Dear God, what have I done?

Hutch stepped from the bright sunlight into the darkened bar. Instinct led him to the back where he saw an unshaven man who looked as if he had the weight of the world upon his shoulders.

"Starsky?"

Slowly, Starsky stood up, blinking rapidly. Was his mind playing games with him or was Hutch really there?

Both men made their way across the room, stopping inches from each other. Their measured steps hesitant at first, then standing toe to toe, all indecision fell away. Eyes filled with tears as they reached for each other at the same time.

Starsky was the first to pull away. Voice choked with emotion, he whispered "I didn’t think you’d ever come back. Now that you’re here… how do I know you won’t leave again?"

Hutch tenderly brushed the tears off Starsky’s face. "Ah buddy, I know leaving was wrong, but I promise I’m yours forever."

Speaking over his shoulder as he walked toward the exit, Starsky challenged Hutch. "Yeah, Hutch, I know you’re in my heart, but am I in yours? When you can give me that answer, you know where to find me."

Starsky sat alone in a darkened room when his thoughts were interrupted by a tentative knock on the door. Knowing who was on the other side, didn’t make it any easier for Starsky to open it. He rested his head against the cool wood, willing his heart to settle into a more normal rhythm. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t give in without voicing his apprehension.

No longer able to avoid the inevitable confrontation, he unlocked the door and faced a weary looking Hutch. The blond’s eyes were red rimmed and swollen from crying. Starsky barred Hutch’s entrance by placing his arm across the door frame.

He angrily asked "What can you say that hasn’t already been said? Even you acknowledged that I have every right to feel insecure. Just because I have the right to feel that way doesn’t mean I want to face each day with the fear that you will walk out again." Hutch sighed as he met Starsky’s smoldering stare. He ran his hands through his hair and proceeded to push his way inside. Hutch made his way over to the couch pulling Starsky down with him. Starsky attempted to get up, to move as far from Hutch as possible but the tone in the blond’s voice stopped him.

Taking a deep breath Hutch began. "I won’t leave again because you are in my heart. Each time I go for a jog, spend the day at the beach or shower in the gym, the whole world will know you are in my heart. And, my love, every night when we lay in each others arms you will see that you are in my heart… always."

Starsky felt his hard fought resolve melting. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t give Hutch the opportunity to belittle his feelings. He’d felt so betrayed when the blond left when all he’d wanted was for Hutch to say he loved him. The look on Hutch’s face now caused his spine to tingle with desire. He waited to see what Hutch would say next.

Gingerly Hutch removed his shirt revealing his chest. With a gasp, Starsky reached over and rubbed his fingers over the reddened, swollen skin. His hand gently rested on the fresh tattoo… a human heart with the word Starsky scripted inside.

Their tears mingled as they kissed and welcomed each other into their hearts and souls… forever.


send feedback

go back