How the Blintz Stole Christmas

by an anonymous SH-Fan


Every Cop Down in Bay City Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Blintz, Who lived in trendy Venice Beach, Did NOT!
The Blintz hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. Or he’ll expound on the reasons.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his moustache was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His stache or his pantses,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the dances,
Staring down from his window with a sour, Blintzy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Cop down in Bay City beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they’re hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Blintz fingers nervously strumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, his pal, Starsky, a boy
Would wake bright and early. He’d rush for his toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then Starsky and their friends, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They’d eat Edith’s brisket, and Huggy’s rare roast-beast.
Which was something the Blintz couldn’t stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every Cop down in Bay City, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Cops would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Blintz thought of this Cop Christmas Sing,
The more the Blintz thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for thirty-three years I’ve put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE BLINTZ GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Blintz laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Blintzy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Blintzy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Blintz looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Blintz? No! The Blintz simply said,
"If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll steal one instead!”
So he stole the Tomato. Then he took some red glop,
And he glued a big horn on the Tomato’s red top.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty jars,
On the red and white sleigh And he flicked on the Mars.
Then the Blintz said, "Giddap!" And the car started down,
Toward the homes where the Cops Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Cops were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Blintzy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Blintz.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Cop stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Teddybears! And toilets! Speed loaders! Guns!
Chessboards! Motorcycles! Candybars! And gum!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Blintz, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Cops’ feast!
He took the Cop-brisket! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Blintz even took their last can of Cop-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Blintz, "I will stuff up the tree!”
And the Blintz grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Cop!
Little Davey Starsky, acting no more than two.
The Blintz had been caught by this curly cop’s patter,
As he got out of bed to relieve his small bladder.
He stared at the Blintz and said, "Santy Blintz, why,"
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Blintz was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet partner Starsk," the fake Blintzy Claus lied,
"There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side."
"So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the Starsky. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Starsky the cop went to bed with his cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for Huggy’s mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Cops’ houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Huggy’s mouses!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Cops, still a-bed,
All the Cops, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Venice Place,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to pace
"PoohPooh to the Cops!" he was Blintzishly humming.
"They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"”
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Cops down in Copville will all cry BooHoo!"
"That’s a noise," grinned the Blintz, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Blintz put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Copville! The Blintz popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Cop down in Copville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Blintz, with his Blintz-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he thought for three hours, till his thinker was sore.
Then the Blintz thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn’t come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well…in Copville they say,
That the Blintz’s big stache Shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Blintz carved the roast beast!

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