(by Det. Starsky, found by Matsir in a stack of old police reports marked Must Be Rewritten)
Look, I’m not a sex fiend, despite Hutch’s claims. I don’t get erections at the drop of a hat. (Well, except that time he greeted me at his door wearing nothing but his stetson and it wasn’t on his scalp) It’s just that sometimes things, well, come up when you don’t want them to, so here’s a few of my tricks to hiding a hard-on at work:
File folders – Every man knows the old junior high trick of hiding behind your books. Guys that’d never picked up a book in their life, hell, guys that probably couldn’t even read were walking the halls sporting Algebra or Civics crotch shields. Same problem, different hallway. Just make sure it’s not the file that Minnie’s been looking for and label side out.
Desk/Table – I know. Another junior high trick, but it works. Somebody sees me fidgeting, they just think a man of action like myself is tired of being behind a typewriter doing reports and can’t wait to be out on the streets. Or that I need to go to the bathroom again, which brings me to
Frequent bathroom breaks – The mens on this floor has some kind of AC glitch. I think it’s colder than the morgue in there. Once that arctic breeze hits my hard on disappears like a terrified turtle. Too chilly for my willy. (hah! I’ll have to remember that one for our next song lyric contest.)
Distract the witness – Either visual, like leaving the top 3 or 4 buttons on my shirt undone. Keeps them looking above the waist. Or really tight pants. Not being one of those pain whippos, this can prevent the problem from, you know, arising. Hutch goes the opposite with those boxy shirts and loose pants. (Like I believed that “anti-fashion” lecture of his) Some of his gawdawful shirts are bad enough to distract me from what’s underneath, though, so I guess it helps both of us.
Or verbal distraction. Engage them in a conversation with an interesting topic, like Bigfoot’s music tastes or the best baseball teams to play the first moon game.
Self Distraction – That’s how I know I’m not sex crazed. When I’m involved in a heavy case, I don’t let other things distract me. Once during the Brock case, I accidentally walked into the ladies room. (The lack of frost on the seat clued me in) So if I haven’t got a case to keep my brain busy, I focus on something else. Like thinking up a no fail money making plan or the next Dobey prank. Or I wonder about the ‘what ifs’ of life, with bonus points if the questions get Hutch to roll his eyes.
Food – Blintz’s wisecracks aside, I don’t have an food kink. Orally fixated – maybe, but jeez, one time with a wild cherry Lifesaver does not a kink make. A nice spicy nosh will get my taste buds all excited, which calms other parts down. Or squad room coffee. Did you know that if your gut thinks its being poisoned your hard on goes away? Of course too much and I gotta go again, so I have the toilet-freezer solution as my back up.
Desperate measures – Let Minnie see it. Damn, she could perform the world’s first verbal bris! Those cracks like “microscopic evidence”, and “petty offense” could turn the Washington Monument into a paperweight.
The best (but sadly rarely used) way is the janitor’s closet – Sometimes what starts out as a silly tease just takes over. Like that time I sucked all’a the color out of a Popsicle or this one time Hutch, he was going undercover as… uh, but that’s a whole different list, ain’t it? Where was I? Oh, then we meet up in the janitor’s closet. That’s when both of us get to hide our hard ons somewhere snug and warm. Except we got to be careful. Hutch can get noisy even with his mouth full, but it’s kinda exciting that we could get caught, that the door could open and anyone could see us, Hutch against the wall like a perp and ohman that moan he gives out when I… er……
Uh, I gotta, uh, get some more coffee. Say, did you hear about how the Russians are cloning woolly mammoths for army use? Think our side will develop woolly mice to scare them away? Damn. Ahh ‘scuse me, but I need to hit the can aaannd I’ll just take these files along to – umm…
Hey, if you see Hutch, tell him he’s gotta meet me. He’ll know where.
HAHAHAHA!
This was funny, Matsir. I can HEAR Starsky saying this! You have his voice down pat!
KUDOS!!
Flamingo and Elves… GREAT pic!
I’m glad you enjoyed it. And, yes, that picture is GREAT!
Very funny.
Or squad room coffee. Did you know that if your gut thinks its being poisoned your hard on goes away?
Good to know, I’ll pass that one on.
Thank you. Umm… do I want to know just what your local police department is up to in the squad room?
Thanks for the laughs.
You are welcome. It was fun to imagine/write this one.
Extremely well thought out, Matsir, and laugh-producing. Really good ‘Starsky voice.’ Thanks for the chuckle this morning.
I’m happy I could start your day with a chuckle. Your writings have entertained me all year long, it’s nice to return the favor.
“Microscopic evidence.” Bwhahahahahahaha!!!!! This was a real hoot! I greatly enjoyed it. Oh, and that photo at the end is priceless. Great job!!
I love letting Minnie loose, she just writes herself. Thank you for the compliment.
For a moment I wondered about Flamingo and the Elves database set up. I mean, do they have a ‘Starsky looks like he’s hiding an erection’ tag? Then I told myself it would be safer not peeking behind some curtains 😉
Ha! Starsky certainly is creative and very funny. I can’t imagine why Hutch says he is a sex fiend. Thanks so much for sharing this gift.
And the picture was great too!
Well, if you’re going to be a sex fiend isn’t it better to be a funny, creative one?
I’m glad you enjoyed my silliness.
So that’s why he’s always doing and saying such crazy things!
Well that and we fangirls who put the words (and other things) in his mouth.
I’m going to watch the shows again and look for Starsky’s tricks – bet I’ll find them! See? My attention to his tight pants will be research.
I like this variation of Where’s Waldo!
“a man of action”, and now we know what kind of action!
I do enjoy all those ‘action’ scenes, don’t you?
I want to thank Flamingo & Elves for finding the perfect picture to go with my submission. Plus, my dirty mind wants so, so much to commission Mortmere to work her artistic magic on this image!
How do you make a janitors closet sound so hot? Lol
With these two and the inspiration provided by all the S/H artists around me, it’s easy.
LOL! Well done! This made me giggle madly.
Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Maybe I should go through the rest of that old reports stack and see if I can find any more lost manuscripts.
Yep, he’ll know where! That janitors closet has seen some action! Thanks for the chuckle Matsir! That picture at the end is perfect too!
You’re welcome. I do think Flamingo and the Elves improved the story 5 fold by finding that pix.
*dies laughing*
*falls off chair*
*applauds weakly from the floor*
Brilliant, Matsir! 😀
Thank you! Glad I could make you… crack up 😉
This had me snorting in laughter so many times! My favorite sections were “Distract the Witness”, “Desperate Measures”, and, of course, the janitor’s closet. How can Starsky’s vague descriptions of illicit rendezvous in a janitor’s closet be so hot? Funny and hot, the perfect combination!
Thank you. As for how vague descriptions being hot? I can’t take all the credit – it’s hot because y’all have some of the most creative (and smutty) imaginations ever! (And I am glad you all share)
Everything about this is hilarious! And the picture is perfect!
Glad I could make your holidays a little merrier.
LOL–that Minnie does have a way with words!
Glad you enjoyed it. I can easily imagine the guards in the holding cells threatening prisoners with “Pipe down or I’ll have Minnie Kaplan come in here!” and the whole block going silent.
OMG, Starsky’s examples of interesting topics to distract people are so hilarious and so him! And of course the whole thing is very funny and charmingly written!
Thank you. The Bigfoot idea was stolen from a coffee house chalkboard. The choices included stuff like ‘Stomp’, ‘Hair bands’, ‘Long haired music’, ‘dub-step’ and ‘alt-indie-upcycled-genderfluid-wookie-rap’ (because, it’s Portland)
I am DYING. Hilarious, fantastic, I love it.
Don’t die, we’re an endangered species 😉
Matsir:
You are the most hilarious writer in S&H fandom. Your imagination is zany, witty and sexy at the same time. You cracked me up so much, and so often, in this story the aliens on Mars probably heard me laughing up there.
There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe how much I enjoyed your story.
Where did you find that photo? I loved it! It is now my screen saver.
Ursula
I can’t take credit for the photo, that was Flamingo and her hard working elves. I’m so happy you enjoyed it. I’ll admit it, I put the Lifesaver bit in just for you. Remember when I teased you that Hutch’s naval looked just perfect to hold a cherry lifesaver for Starsky to lick? I finally used it!
This is so clever.
Thank you. Our Starsky is a clever, if forgetful, fellow.
Lol. Perfect Starsky voice. Can see him using all these tactics and more. Love the line, Hutch can get noisy even with his mouth full – ohh, the visions this conjours up. Thank you for such a witty, hot, gift.
I’m glad you enjoyed it and I’m happy to feed your muse anytime!