{"id":205,"date":"2017-12-10T05:16:21","date_gmt":"2017-12-10T05:16:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/?p=205"},"modified":"2017-12-10T05:16:21","modified_gmt":"2017-12-10T05:16:21","slug":"december-10th-eight-ways-to-hide-a-hard-on-by-starsky-via-matsir","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/?p=205","title":{"rendered":"December 10th- Eight Ways to Hide a Hard On by Starsky via Matsir"},"content":{"rendered":"

(by Det. Starsky, found by Matsir in a stack of old police reports marked Must Be Rewritten)<\/em><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Look, I\u2019m not a sex fiend, despite Hutch\u2019s claims. I don\u2019t get erections at the drop of a hat. (Well, except that time he greeted me at his door wearing nothing but his stetson and it wasn\u2019t on his scalp) It\u2019s just that sometimes things, well, come up when you don\u2019t want them to, so here\u2019s a few of my tricks to hiding a hard-on at work:<\/p>\n

File folders <\/strong>\u2013<\/span><\/span> Every man knows the old junior high trick of hiding behind your books. Guys that\u2019d never picked up a book in their life, hell, guys that probably couldn\u2019t even read were walking the halls sporting Algebra or Civics crotch shields. Same problem, different hallway. Just make sure it\u2019s not the file that Minnie\u2019s been looking for and label side out.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Desk\/Table<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 I know. Another junior high trick, but it works. Somebody sees me fidgeting, they just think a man of action like myself is tired of being behind a typewriter doing reports and can\u2019t wait to be out on the streets. Or that I need to go to the bathroom again, which brings me to<\/p>\n

Frequent bathroom breaks<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 The mens on this floor has some kind of AC glitch. I think it\u2019s colder than the morgue in there. Once that arctic breeze hits my hard on disappears like a terrified turtle. Too chilly for my willy. (hah! I\u2019ll have to remember that one for our next song lyric contest.)<\/p>\n

Distract the witness<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 Either visual, like leaving the top 3 or 4 buttons on my shirt undone. Keeps them looking above the waist. Or really tight pants. Not being one of those pain whippos, this can prevent the problem from, you know, arising. Hutch goes the opposite with those boxy shirts and loose pants. (Like I believed that \u201canti-fashion\u201d lecture of his) Some of his gawdawful shirts are bad enough to distract me from what\u2019s underneath, though, so I guess it helps both of us.<\/p>\n

Or verbal distraction<\/span>. Engage them in a conversation with an interesting topic, like Bigfoot\u2019s music tastes or the best baseball teams to play the first moon game.<\/p>\n

Self Distraction<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 That\u2019s how I know I\u2019m not sex crazed. When I\u2019m involved in a heavy case, I don\u2019t let other things distract me. Once during the Brock case, I accidentally walked into the ladies room. (The lack of frost on the seat clued me in) So if I haven\u2019t got a case to keep my brain busy, I focus on something else. Like thinking up a no fail money making plan or the next Dobey prank. Or I wonder about the \u2018what ifs\u2019 of life, with bonus points if the questions get Hutch to roll his eyes.<\/p>\n

Food<\/strong> <\/span>\u2013 Blintz\u2019s wisecracks aside, I don\u2019t have an food kink. Orally fixated – maybe, but jeez, one time with a wild cherry Lifesaver does not a kink make. A nice spicy nosh will get my taste buds all excited, which calms other parts down. Or squad room coffee. Did you know that if your gut thinks its being poisoned your hard on goes away? Of course too much and I gotta go again, so I have the toilet-freezer solution as my back up.<\/p>\n

Desperate measures<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 Let Minnie see it. Damn, she could perform the world\u2019s first verbal bris! Those cracks like \u201cmicroscopic evidence\u201d, and \u201cpetty offense\u201d could turn the Washington Monument into a paperweight.<\/p>\n

The best (but sadly rarely used) way is the janitor\u2019s closet<\/strong><\/span> \u2013 Sometimes what starts out as a silly tease just takes over. Like that time I sucked all\u2019a the color out of a Popsicle or this one time Hutch, he was going undercover as\u2026 uh, but that\u2019s a whole different list, ain\u2019t it? Where was I? Oh, then we meet up in the janitor\u2019s closet. That\u2019s when both of us get to hide our hard ons somewhere snug and warm. Except we got to be careful. Hutch can get noisy even with his mouth full, but it\u2019s kinda exciting that we could get caught, that the door could open and anyone could see us, Hutch against the wall like a perp and ohman that moan he gives out when I\u2026 er\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n

Uh, I gotta, uh, get some more coffee. Say, did you hear about how the Russians are cloning woolly mammoths for army use? Think our side will develop woolly mice to scare them away? Damn. Ahh \u2018scuse me, but I need to hit the can aaannd I\u2019ll just take these files along to \u2013 umm…<\/p>\n

Hey, if you see Hutch, tell him he\u2019s gotta meet me. He\u2019ll know where.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(by Det. Starsky, found by Matsir in a stack of old police reports marked Must Be Rewritten) Look, I\u2019m not a sex fiend, despite Hutch\u2019s claims. I don\u2019t get erections at the drop of a hat. (Well, except that time … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,17,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fic","category-not-safe-for-work","category-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=205"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":227,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205\/revisions\/227"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=205"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=205"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=205"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}