{"id":325,"date":"2017-12-16T05:25:55","date_gmt":"2017-12-16T05:25:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/?p=325"},"modified":"2017-12-16T05:25:55","modified_gmt":"2017-12-16T05:25:55","slug":"december-16th-after-an-x-files-episode-by-dppatricks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/?p=325","title":{"rendered":"December 16th- After An X-Files Episode by DPPatricks"},"content":{"rendered":"

Author’s Note:<\/span><\/strong> – Some X-Files background: at the end of Season 7, FBI Agent Fox Mulder disappeared. His partner, Agent Dana Scully, pregnant with his child, knew he\u2019d been abducted but nothing more. The viewing audience though, during S8, had glimpses of the torture\/torment Mulder suffered. His body was eventually dumped in a field and Scully, plus Assistant Director Walter Skinner, were the principal mourners at his burial.<\/p>\n

On April 1, 2001, Deadalive<\/em>\u00a0aired. Formerly deceased abductees began coming back to life and Skinner ordered Mulder\u2019s body exhumed. It was, and he was hospitalized.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dave Starsky dropped his feet off the coffee table. \u201cThere was no autopsy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ken Hutchinson had been so immersed in the episode, he hadn\u2019t thought of that. \u201cGuess not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky got up, ran to the kitchen and grabbed two beers from the fridge. Coming back, he gave one to Hutch and plopped back on the couch. \u201cThe funeral home didn\u2019t pump him full of formaldehyde? He\u2019s just gonna wake up<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShh,\u201d Hutch shushed. \u201cWe\u2019ll talk about the mistakes later.\u201d<\/p>\n

During the scene when Mulder finally regained consciousness, Starsky watched intently, his beer apparently forgotten. Sitting in a chair next to the bed, Scully was holding Mulder\u2019s hand. She was clearly trying to keep the horrors and fears she\u2019d experienced during the months of his being missing and then \u2018dead\u2019 in check, but Mulder\u2019s expression was gently clueless.<\/p>\n

SCULLY (almost breathless): \u201cDo you have any idea what you\u2019ve been through?\u201d<\/p>\n

MULDER (beat; soft): \u201cOnly what I see in your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

When the show was over, the television turned off and second beers were being consumed, Hutch realized his partner was more pensive than usual. \u201cWhy so quiet, babe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky studied the brown bottle in his hands. \u201cThinkin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

Normally, Hutch would have made a sarcastic remark but something in the tone of Starsky\u2019s voice kept any unkind words behind his teeth. Instead, he put his arm around the shoulders and drew the familiar form close to him. \u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was a beautiful piece of writing, ya know?\u201d Starsky looked up, an emotion in the indigo depths that Hutch didn\u2019t recognize. \u201cWhen Mulder told Scully he knew what he\u2019d<\/em> been through because he could see what she\u2019d<\/em> been through.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right. It was nicely understated.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never thought about what it was like for you, Hutch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Beginning to sense that the conversation was going somewhere he wanted to avoid, Hutch ruffled Starsky\u2019s hair. \u201cWhat\u2019re you talking about? I\u2019ve never been abducted by aliens.\u201d He lifted his arm, preparatory to getting up but Starsky held onto him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll these years\u2026 and I never asked. It musta been hell.\u201d Starsky snuggled closer. \u201cDobey and Huggy told me you sat in the waiting room during the hours and hours of my surgeries. Then, before you went after Jenny Brown, you straddled a chair in the hall until they let you into my room. When they got me back, after I coded, you hardly ever left my side except to figure out what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch had sincerely hoped he\u2019d never have to talk about those days again. He had buried the terror, fear, remorse and guilt under what he believed were impenetrable layers of self-control. As Starsky leaned against him, Hutch couldn\u2019t say a word because the memories were overwhelming.<\/p>\n

\u201cI died<\/em>, Hutch. Before I realized I was in love with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch tried to swallow around the constriction in his throat. \u201cThat was the worst part. Knowing you were going to leave me without my having had the courage to open that door. Ask if you felt the same way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did, but I didn\u2019t know it. And I was such a selfish bastard, all I ended up doing was feeling sorry for myself. Shot up, missing most of a lung and part of a kidney, scarred like a y-incision cadaver, never to be a cop again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMade a liar out of yourself that time, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky huffed. \u201cOnly because you hounded me and wouldn\u2019t let me quit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t want to quit, Starsk. Not really. Not until after we\u2019d gotten Gunther.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou had to do that whole thing by yourself<\/em>! I didn\u2019t do shit!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could claim you were my moral support but you were much more than that, partner. You were my center, my compass, my True North. Whenever I felt myself slipping off the deep end, I\u2019d think about you lying in that bed, struggling for each breath, but alive<\/em>! And I could go on. You were with me every step of the way, Starsk. We<\/em> brought Gunther down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a nice thought, even though it sure didn\u2019t take any effort on my part.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were doing more than enough by beating off the infections and complications.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you threw me a party! You, Dobey, Huggy, you all went to so much trouble. I laughed so hard when the sprinkler system went off the docs thought I might have torn my stitches inside.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou hadn\u2019t though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. But I crashed after they got through checkin\u2019 me out. I think I was crying when you came back. How\u2019d you manage that, anyway? Thought I heard the security guy say they\u2019d never let you in the hospital again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothin\u2019 to it, Starsk. I bribed a few nurses, couple of interns –\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky punched him lightly. \u201cYou smiled at Head Nurse Shirley. Your best innocent look and those baby blues. I\u2019ll bet that was all it took.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBusted.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was cryin\u2019 though, right? When you got back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing to be ashamed of, Starsk. You were hurting so badly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou crawled onto the bed and held me. Put those long, strong arms around me so gently I could relax a little and let you draw the pain away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s exactly what you did for me. Remember? You held my hands that day in Intensive Care when I couldn\u2019t breathe. You pulled the agony right out of my lungs and into yourself. I had to try and do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you succeeded. I wouldn\u2019t have believed I could fall asleep but I did. And when I woke up, there was your mouth. So sorrowful, so hopeful, so beautiful\u2026. I kissed you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I kissed you back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d known for a long time, hadn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat would you have done if I hadn\u2019t made the first move?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGone on waiting.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cForever?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, Hutch? You could always have anybody you wanted. What did you ever see in me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mate, my other half. My love. The person I admired more than anyone else in the world. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky pushed himself out of Hutch\u2019s arms and sat up, his eyes on the warm beer in his hands. \u201cWatching that scene between Mulder and Sculler tonight, I realized you never told me about the mental part; your thoughts and feelings when you knew I was dying. When my heart stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky put his bottle on the table and turned to face Hutch. \u201cIt\u2019s been twenty-two years, but suddenly, I feel as if I need to know. I need you to tell me everything you hid behind those gorgeous eyes and inside that gigantic heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure I can. It was so long ago\u2026 I think I\u2019ve forgotten.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky gave him his very best cop-stare. \u201cBullshit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, maybe I don\u2019t want to remember. Let it go. Please? It\u2019s over and we\u2019re together, the way we were meant to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI used you, Hutch. I took advantage of your love during those months after I came back. I was a self-centered prick, making demands on your time, your caring attention, getting angry at your stubborn drill-sergeant attitude. I never even thought about what you<\/em> were thinking and feeling and needing<\/em>. For a while there, I was sorry I was in love with you. Thought I wanted you gone from my life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI knew that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Course you did. There wasn\u2019t a single thing about me you didn\u2019t know. I guess what I\u2019m trying to say here, Hutch, is that I didn\u2019t have any idea what you were going through.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll I remember, Starsk, is being grateful that you were alive. And that you were in love with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m gonna say it again, Hutchinson, that\u2019s bullshit!\u201d Starsky put his hands on either side of Hutch\u2019s face. \u201cThere had to be so much more. Can\u2019t you tell me now? Scully-to-Mulder truth? I know what I<\/em> went through. I don\u2019t remember it but I know because the docs, Dobey, and Huggy told me. What I need to understand is what it was like for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not big on confessions, pal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky shook his head. \u201cNot askin\u2019 for a confession. I just want you to share with me. You\u2019re the greatest guy I\u2019ve ever known for hiding his pain and not letting anyone into the fortress you built around yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never meant to exclude you, Starsk. Please believe that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do, babe, I really do. Your family were the first ones that caused you to start building, weren\u2019t they? And then Van?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch tried one last time to derail the approaching freight train of emotions. \u201cRemind me never to let you watch X-Files again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cForget X-Files. Let\u2019s pretend it\u2019s Christmas, 1979, and you\u2019re sitting on Santa\u2019s knee. I\u2019ll be The Great Claus, okay?\u201d Starsky hopped off the couch and sat on the coffee table facing Hutch. \u201cI\u2019m a dirty-old-man-Santa and I like having thirty-six-year-old guys on my lap.\u201d Hutch couldn\u2019t help laughing. Starsky wiped the lascivious sneer off his face, puffed out his chest, and assumed a deep, cajoling voice. \u201cTell Santa your deepest heart\u2019s desire, sonny boy. What do you want more than anything else in the world this Christmas?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch closed his eyes and whispered the prayer he\u2019d silently offered innumerable times during those terrible days. \u201cTo have Dave Starsky alive. I\u2019ll never ask for anything ever again. Just please let Starsky live.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did it, Hutch, I lived. And I realized I was in love with you, and here we are. It\u2019s 2001 and we\u2019re still together, we\u2019re still each other\u2019s best friend, and we still love each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch leaned forward and kissed him. \u201cThank you, Santa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky dropped his hands to Hutch\u2019s shoulders. \u201cBut you haven\u2019t told me Scully\u2019s truth yet. I really do want to know, and I think it\u2019ll help you if you finally let it out\u2026. Tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStarsky, please –\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky scooted back a little on the coffee table, a look of deep compassion on his face. \u201cContinuing the Christmas scenario for a minute here, you\u2019re the greatest gift I\u2019ve ever gotten, Hutch, but you sometimes hide your feelings so well almost nobody knows they\u2019re there. And back then, more than at any time before or since, I let you get away with it. You took care of me, babied me, hassled me, pushed and shoved me right where I wanted to go. But I was blind to what you<\/em> needed.\u201d He lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. \u201cI don\u2019t want to be blind any longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch struggled to find the words for quite a while and it surprised him that Starsky waited patiently. With the kind of trust, support, and uncharacteristic calmness his partner was demonstrating, how could he refuse? He took a deep breath. \u201cI died when you did\u2026. I just didn\u2019t stop breathing. And when you came back, you brought me back with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good start, Blintz.\u201d Starsky took both of Hutch\u2019s hands. \u201cGo on.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky\u2019s incredibly blue eyes practically dragged the next words out of Hutch\u2019s mouth. \u201cI died when you did,\u201d he repeated. \u201cBut during the race to the hospital I told myself I could keep going until I\u2019d tracked down each and every person responsible for your death. I\u2019d make them pay, Starsk\u2026 and then I\u2019d follow you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFigured it was something like that.\u201d Starsky raised Hutch\u2019s hands to his lips and kissed the knuckles. \u201cI know there\u2019s more though. Keep goin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sigh that surged through Hutch\u2019s entire being tore open the firmly closed and tightly locked doors of his psyche. He lurched off the sofa onto his knees and flung his arms around Starsky\u2019s hips. He laid his face on Starsky\u2019s thighs and squeezed his eyes shut.<\/p>\n

\u201cShhhh. It\u2019s okay.\u201d Starsky\u2019s fingers laced into Hutch\u2019s hair. \u201cIt\u2019s only me here. And soapy scenes are not only allowed tonight, they\u2019re required\u2026. Tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d never known such emptiness. I was utterly without hope, useless, worthless. I\u2019d let you take those bullets –\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou yelled at me to get down. I remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you didn\u2019t. You stood there and made them go for you, rather than me. I didn\u2019t protect you. And then you were lying there, bleeding your precious life out onto the pavement. And I stood at the front of the car like a statue.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor what, a nanosecond? Dobey told me he found you holding me, your eyes boring into mine, you telling me not to leave you. Not to give up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess maybe I did. I don\u2019t remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t let me go, Hutch. You held me with your eyes and your will until the medics showed up. One of my surgeons said he couldn\u2019t believe I made it to the hospital alive. It was you, Hutch, you were my miracle. I don\u2019t call that useless or worthless.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re romanticizing things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m not. I\u2019m telling you Scully\u2019s Truth. You kept me alive.\u201d Starsky kissed Hutch\u2019s temple. \u201cAnd you brought me back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch looked up at his partner. \u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky\u2019s thumbs wiped the tears from Hutch\u2019s cheeks. \u201cWhen my heart stopped, I think I remember floating up and away. It\u2019s all kinda fuzzy and I may be adding layers of stuff I\u2019ve read about other peoples\u2019 experiences but I could see you racing up to the front of the hospital. You came in so fast that when you skidded to a stop, the left front quarter of Dobey\u2019s car ended up on the sidewalk. Hellava controlled fishtail, Hutchinson.\u201d Starsky\u2019s smile was full of pride. \u201cScared a bunch of interns who were standing there. You left the keys in the ignition and the door open, bolted through the entrance, and flew right past the elevators to the stairwell. I never did ask you about the bloody bandage on your left wrist.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know all that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw you. I was floating above you. And the look on your face – oh, God, the look on your face. You were silently pleading with me not to leave and I heard you. By the time you made it upstairs I was back in my body. I have to give that doctor credit for not passing out when my ticker monitor came off flatline.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never told me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch\u2026 I couldn\u2019t wake up for a long time after that. Wanted to, couldn\u2019t. Doc told me later it was something about my body needing to regroup. When I did though, I was so proud of your having figured out it was Gunther, I didn\u2019t want to think about anything else. So I sorta filed the experience away under \u2018weird stuff\u2019 and promised myself I\u2019d never be the cause of such fear on your face again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch sat back on his heels. \u201cWe\u2019re a pair, aren\u2019t we? Lots of things you didn\u2019t tell me, lots more things I didn\u2019t tell you. It\u2019s a wonder we\u2019ve managed to –\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t start questioning, Hutch. \u2018It\u2019s a wonder\u2019 as in \u2018wonderful\u2019! I wouldn\u2019t trade a minute\u2026\u201d He grimaced. \u201cWell, maybe I\u2019d give up a few of those months of therapy –\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou said not to question, Starsk, so I\u2019ll give you the same advice.\u201d He climbed back onto the sofa and took his best friends hands in his, rubbing the knuckles gently. \u201cI didn\u2019t want you to know what I was thinking and feeling. I simply wanted to be there for you, to do whatever I could and whatever you needed.\u201d He looked into Starsky\u2019s concerned, supportive eyes and gained all the strength he required. \u201cI think now though, I can tell you.\u201d He took a calming, centering breath and let it out slowly. \u201cEvery time you had a setback I was plunged straight to the lowest level of hell again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky put a hand to his cheek but didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you\u2019d rally and be almost back to your before-the-shooting-self and I\u2019d be in heaven. It was the most devastating, gut-wrenching, heart-rending, terrifying, exhilarating roller coaster ride of highs and lows I\u2019ve ever known. I wouldn\u2019t want to go through it again but I\u2019m glad I didn\u2019t miss a second of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky kissed him very tenderly. \u201cI know it wasn\u2019t easy to tell me all that. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d Hutch returned the kiss. \u201cAnd you were right. I did need to let it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm,\u201d Starsky hmmmmmm\u2019d. \u201cThe X-Files as a shrink\u2019s couch. Who knew?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch laughed out loud before turning quite serious. \u201cI would very much like to make love with you, Starsk. Would you come to bed now?<\/p>\n

Starsky raised an eyebrow. \u201cTo quote Huggy, \u2018You gotta ask?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Long-buried terrors
\nBrought to light and talked about
\nDue to a few words<\/p>\n

END<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Author’s Note: – Some X-Files background: at the end of Season 7, FBI Agent Fox Mulder disappeared. His partner, Agent Dana Scully, pregnant with his child, knew he\u2019d been abducted but nothing more. The viewing audience though, during S8, had … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,16,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fic","category-safe-for-work","category-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=325"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":360,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions\/360"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=325"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=325"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2017\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=325"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}