{"id":497,"date":"2018-12-24T06:04:46","date_gmt":"2018-12-24T06:04:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/?p=497"},"modified":"2018-12-24T06:04:46","modified_gmt":"2018-12-24T06:04:46","slug":"december-24th-the-christmas-closet-by-keri-t","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/?p=497","title":{"rendered":"December 24th- The Christmas Closet by Keri T."},"content":{"rendered":"

Starsky left the office of Dr. Miranda Jones with a light step. He could feel the bounce that used to be as unconscious to him as breathing moving his feet along. Dr. Jones was good at her job. They\u2019d had a good session, a very good session. And while this wasn\u2019t the first time in the three months he\u2019d been seeing the psychologist that he was glad he\u2019d allowed himself to be talked into this kind of therapy, it was the first time he could feel measurable growth inside himself. Or maybe it was measurable peace? He knew one thing for sure\u2014he felt happy and hopeful.<\/span><\/p>\n

He wondered if Dr. Jones had had a plan to bring up that one word today, or if she\u2019d been guiding him to this place for the last few sessions. The last few sessions where he couldn\u2019t seem to shut up about his partner. When they had first begun, Starsky was still physically recovering from the assassination attempt. Mentally, he was in a fog, and emotionally\u2014well, even he knew he\u2019d been bouncing off the walls. One minute euphoric, but the next minute filled with rage. Then there was the depression. It was Hutch who\u2019d found Dr. Jones, and Hutch who convinced him that having a trained professional to help him deal with all the crap left behind from almost dying\u2014again\u2014was a smart thing to do and no different than the therapy he was putting his body through. He remembered Hutch\u2019s words as if he\u2019d just spoken them this morning:<\/span><\/p>\n

Honestly, Starsk, I\u2019m so proud of you and how hard you\u2019re working to get your body to heal and your muscles to do what you want them to do again\u2014no one knows like I do how much effort you\u2019re putting in. All I\u2019m asking is for you to put a little time into your emotional recovery, too. It\u2019s tearing me up to watch you struggle to find your balance again. Why can\u2019t we get some help for that?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Starsky thought about how sincere Hutch had been that day and how much he wanted to help. He also knew there were no strings attached. If he chose not to go to the psychologist and to continue battling his demons privately, Hutch would stay by his side. Hutch would stay by his side because Hutch loved him like no other human being had ever loved him before. He loved him broken or whole. And it was with that love propping him up that Starsky was able to do one small thing to give Hutch some peace of mind: he\u2019d go to the shrink, because he loved Hutch that much, too. And three months later here he was. Peaceful.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Torino was parked right outside the office, in full sight of anyone who cared to know where he was. Starsky smiled at that as he found his keys, since it was so different from his first few sessions when he\u2019d parked his car behind the office building in the most obscure spot he could find. He figured he could add that to the win column and made a mental note to tell Hutch.<\/span><\/p>\n

He started the car and headed toward Venice Place. Hutch wouldn\u2019t be home yet, but that was okay since he still had more decorating to do, and decorating for Christmas was always easier without Hutch offering his opinion on how many garlands one small apartment should hold. \u00a0His partner was a smart man, but he never had the right answer to that question.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky thought about the decorations he had in the Torino\u2019s trunk and grinned, barely keeping himself from giggling like a twelve-year-old. Yes, he loved Christmas, and yes, he loved Christmas decorations, but this happy feeling surging through him came from the peaceful feeling now residing in his heart. He\u2019d have to send Dr. Jones a poinsettia or something to go with her Christmas card.<\/span><\/p>\n

The short drive to Hutch\u2019s home only increased the feelings soaring through him, and Starsky hummed every Christmas song he could think of that contained the word peace.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once on Hutch\u2019s street, he parked behind a white caddy, one he instantly recognized as Huggy\u2019s.\u00a0 What was Huggy doing here? <\/em>Starsky wondered curiously as he exited the car. Before he\u2019d reached his trunk to retrieve the decorations, Huggy came out looking a little irritated.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHug, what\u2019re you doing here? Starsky asked, loading the bags into his arms. \u201cDid you need me or Hutch for somethin\u2019?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid I need you<\/em>?\u201d Huggy said with narrowed eyes and a jutted chin. \u201cNo. It was your partner\u2014your shit-wouldn\u2019t melt-in-his-mouth, can you do me a solid, I\u2019ll owe you one Huggy\u2014partner who needed me\u2014again\u2014and then isn\u2019t even home when I not only complete the favor, but deliver it to his sorry ass! Did I need you<\/em>\u2026.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHutch was running some errands and then going to his yoga class,\u201d Starsky said and held a hand up when Huggy made a face. \u201cHe likes yoga, Hug, he\u2019s been goin\u2019 for about three months now. Says it strengthens his muscles without bulking him up and it\u2019s increasing his\u2026 nimbility.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not a word, Starsky,\u201d Huggy shook his head and fished a large set of keys out of his front pocket. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you try again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a joke! Geez, what did my partner ask you to do that put you in a mood on a beautiful day like this during Christmas week?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m in a fine mood\u2014I\u2019ll have you know I am the king<\/em> of charitable endeavors, but my back could\u2019ve used a hand,\u201d Huggy said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour back could\u2019ve used a hand with what?\u201d Starsky asked. He loved Huggy but there were times his friend took the art of disarming conversation to levels that were confusing at best, and incomprehensible at worst. He wasn\u2019t sure which one this was going to turn out to be yet. \u201cDid Hutch ask you to fix something, because he\u2019s actually better with a hammer than you are.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Huggy issued an inelegant snort. \u201cSure he is, Starsky, all that nimbleness Hutch has now must make him swing a hammer like Grizzly Adams.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t he use an axe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Huggy drew a pair of sunglasses out of his shirt pocket and put them on. \u201cAsk Hutch, I have to go back to my paying work now. And please tell him I shoved everything into his closet\u2026and I added a few things to his stash.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStash of what?\u201d Starsky asked, realizing that the conversation had definitely become incomprehensible. At least he wasn\u2019t understanding it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAs if you, Mr. Christmas himself, doesn\u2019t know what I\u2019ve been storing for Hutch for months\u2026 oh, and I suppose you can also tell him that I had a surprise delivery today and needed my extra storage closet emptied, which is why I had to deliver his stash to him, instead of him getting it from me tomorrow like we\u2019d previously arranged.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAh, that stash,\u201d Starsky said, hoping his facial expression wasn\u2019t telling Huggy that he had no idea what he was talking about.\u00a0 He smiled bigger, wanting Huggy gone so he could dash upstairs and see what was in Hutch\u2019s closet before he got home. \u201cWell, nice of you to bring it over, Hug. You have a good rest of your day.\u201d Starsky juggled his packages so he could free a hand to give a friendly pat to Huggy\u2019s shoulder and walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I always?\u201d Huggy said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky didn\u2019t bother answering, he just raised a hand in goodbye and hurried inside and up the stairs, curiosity burning through him. He knew Huggy hadn\u2019t delivered a present for him that Hutch had hidden at his bar. Nope, Huggy thought he knew all about this mysterious stash. What have you been up to, Hutch? <\/em>Starsky thought as he let himself inside the apartment and set the bags down.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky had no problem with his conscience as he went to the closet to invade Hutch\u2019s privacy. It was Christmas time, and snooping was practically a requirement. Besides, he was done with any secrets between them, and after his session with Dr. Jones he was done with keeping secrets from himself, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

He opened the closet door and took a step backwards when he saw what was inside. If he\u2019d had ten thousand guesses he wouldn\u2019t have guessed this. Stacks of Barbie dolls, Hot Wheels, Tonka trucks, children\u2019s books, and an assortment of Milton Bradley games met his astonished eyes. He estimated there had to be fifty or sixty items. At least. What was Hutch up to?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The sound of footsteps and jangling keys gave him enough warning of Hutch\u2019s arrival to quietly close the closet door and hurry to the couch.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky greeted his partner with a smile as Hutch entered the apartment wearing his yoga clothes and carrying an exercise bag. \u201cLooks like you beat me here,\u201d Hutch said with a smile of his own. \u201cI didn\u2019t stay for the meditation session today, just did the class. I was thinking I could get here in time to make us some lunch\u2026but the best laid plans and all of that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd all of that,\u201d Starsky said. \u201cDid you get the kinks stretched out? Was the pregnant lady there?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did\u2026 I really think you should start coming with me, Starsk\u2026and yes, she was. You know, she\u2019s due on the 25th<\/sup>. That\u2019s only six days away and she\u2019s still the best in the class.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHer baby is due on Christmas day?\u201d Starsky asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIs Christmas still the 25th<\/sup>?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEvery year.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen I guess she might have a Christmas baby,\u201d Hutch said, carrying his exercise bag to the closet.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky got to his feet so he could watch Hutch open the door. \u201cPoor kid, his birthday will get watered down in all the Christmas excitement. He\u2019ll probably never get a decent birthday present. Or, he\u2019ll get a good birthday present but not much from Santa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStarsk,\u201d Hutch said, as he opened the door, \u201cI\u2019ve told you a million times, Christmas isn\u2019t supposed to be about presents–\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky wanted to laugh out loud at the open-mouthed stare on Hutch\u2019s face, but he restrained himself and just enjoyed the moment. \u201cYou sure have, Hutch, and I\u2019ve appreciated your explaining that to me so many times. Why don\u2019t you put your bag down\u2014I think you can probably set it on top of the stack of Barbie dolls\u2014and come tell me some more about why people shouldn\u2019t get caught up in crass commercialism and give in to the materialism shoved down our throats by advertisers and, who were those other people? Oh, yeah, toy manufacturers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm, yeah, um,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cThis stuff\u2026um, you know what, um\u2026how?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re so cute when you\u2019re articulate,\u201d Starsky said, and this time the laugh building in his throat had to be released. \u201cI mean, actually pretty adorable.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did this stuff get in here?\u201d Hutch asked. \u201cAnd I can explain.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I can\u2019t wait to hear the explanation, so let\u2019s sit down and you can give it to me.\u201d Starsky walked the few steps to where Hutch stood and took his elbow. \u201cJoin me on the couch? It\u2019s a little early for a beer, but I could make you a nice cup of tea if that\u2019ll help while you\u2019re explaining?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch gave Starsky a withering look. \u201cYou\u2019re enjoying this, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

With a small shake of his head, Hutch freed his elbow and went to the couch to sit down. \u201cThey\u2019re toys.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI saw that for myself,\u201d Starsky said, sitting beside Hutch on the couch. \u201cA whole lot of toys, and Huggy said he added a few to your stash. How long have you had a stash of toys hidden at the Pits?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Huggy\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Huggy delivered them\u2014none too cheerfully I might add\u2014because he had some surprise delivery and needed the storage space.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe could\u2019ve called me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhile you were at yoga doing the downward doggie\u2014that sounds so dirty by the way\u2014or meditating? How could he have called you when you weren\u2019t even home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s called downward dog, not doggie.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStill sounds dirty.\u201d Starsky received another withering look for his observation of yoga names. \u201cBut I digress.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop talking like a politician.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStart explaining.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re toys.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve established that part, Hutch, how about a few more details.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re toys I\u2019ve been gathering for kids.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood to know you weren\u2019t gathering them for yourself, although I wouldn\u2019t mind having a Hot Wheels contest with you someday, but I don\u2019t think either one of us knows how to stylishly dress a Barbie.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cToys for Tots, Starsky, they\u2019re going to Toys for Tots,\u201d Hutch said, and Starsky noticed the pink stain on his cheeks. \u201cI\u2019m taking them over tomorrow\u2014they should have been there a few days ago but I wanted to get a few more trucks so I stretched it until payday, which was yesterday.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou have more trucks than the ones in the closet?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThree more in the trunk of my car. I bought them last night while you were wandering through Macy\u2019s.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky sat back in amazement. He knew how kind Hutch was at his core, hell, when they\u2019d first become partners, he had to wrestle Hutch\u2019s wallet away from him more times than he could count before he gave all his cash to any one he perceived to be needy. After a while, though, the streets had hardened that instinctive kindness, especially the months before he\u2019d been shot when Hutch\u2019s cynical side threatened to overpower the gentle, caring side. The pendulum had started swinging back from the moment he first opened his eyes in the hospital to find a giddy, beside-himself-with-happiness Hutch hugging his nurse, but this? A closet full of toys for needy kids? He hadn\u2019t seen this one coming.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you\u2019ve been buying a few toys out of each paycheck and storing them with Huggy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Hutch said simply. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t like I was trying to keep a secret from you or anything\u2014I don\u2019t want any secrets between us\u2014but you\u2019re not supposed to brag about doing something charitable and I didn\u2019t want you to think\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou thought telling me would be bragging? That\u2019s one of the dumbest things you\u2019ve ever said, and I have plenty to choose from! Why wouldn\u2019t you have thought\u2014no, known\u2014that I\u2019d want to help you get stuff for the kids?\u201d Starsky asked, now feeling a little hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI knew that\u2019s exactly what you\u2019d want to do,\u201d Hutch said, \u201cwhich is why I didn\u2019t want you to know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat doesn\u2019t make any sense.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch took a deep breath. \u201cStarsk, what Gunther did to you hurt you in so many ways, and one of those ways was financially. You\u2019re just getting back on your feet that way now that you\u2019re back to work and making full checks instead of partial pay when you were out on disability. I knew this wasn\u2019t the year for you to spend money you needed for everything else on toys\u2014so I bought enough for both of us. I\u2019m donating them in both our names, and next year we can buy them together. We\u2019ll start early\u2014earlier than I did this year\u2014and we\u2019ll have a pile put together in no time! Okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky\u2019s pride had taken a lot of hits over the last six months, but Hutch had never been one of the ones delivering the blows, and he wasn\u2019t now. He was stating the simple truth: money had been tight; medical insurance didn\u2019t take care of everything, and Starsky knew Hutch had covered a lot of co-pays and pharmacy costs and therapy sessions himself in what he thought was without Starsky\u2019s knowledge. But Starsky had known. He just hadn\u2019t made a big deal about it, allowing Hutch to think he was being covert and clever. Besides, Hutch hadn\u2019t done anything that he himself wouldn\u2019t have done for his partner if it had been Hutch standing on the driver\u2019s side of the Torino when the bullets started flying on that terrible day. There was no scorekeeping between them, so it was easy to smile and agree. \u201cOkay, but next year we\u2019ll make that stash of yours look tiny. The two of us putting our resources together\u2026it\u2019ll be wonderful!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch gave him a relieved grin. \u201cJust like everything else we do together\u2026wonderful!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, just when did you start this little project of yours?\u201d Starsky asked. \u201cBy the looks of it I\u2019d guess it\u2019s been going on for quite a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJune. It was the night before I was going to finally take you home from the hospital. I\u2019d just left you when that mean nurse\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll have to be more specific,\u201d Starsky interrupted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe one that hated me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAgain, I\u2019m going to need you to narrow it down\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, smart ass, I know I wasn\u2019t Mr. Popularity with your nurses\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOr my doctors.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, them, too, so let\u2019s just say when one of your nurses asked me to leave the premises for the evening so that you could get some sleep\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was so excited about gettin\u2019 sprung in the morning that I had to pretend to go to sleep that night just so they wouldn\u2019t give me another shot in the ass to make me sleep!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know. You were practically giddy when I left you, and I was pretty excited myself, so I thought I\u2019d go to the mall and find you a little welcome home gift. Naturally, when I saw the toy store, I knew that\u2019s where I\u2019d find your gift.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think I should be insulted by that comment, but I\u2019m not\u2026so, you got the idea of donating from the toy store?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey had a sign at the cash register saying it was never too early to plan to make a child happy. Since I was pretty damn happy myself, I thought what a great way to celebrate. I\u2019d buy a few toys and we\u2019d find a donation station at Christmas time, drop them off, and then go drink hot chocolate or something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy \u2018something\u2019 you mean beer\u2026Obviously, you didn\u2019t stop with just a few.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch looked a little sheepish. \u201cNo, it was like something got under my skin. I wanted to buy the world a toy\u2026so, I bought a few out of every paycheck and stored them at Huggy\u2019s and you know the rest.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky could feel how big the grin on his face was. \u201cJust think, if you\u2019d bought me a grown-up present like a book or some cologne or something, you\u2019d never have gotten your great idea!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWould you have preferred cologne?\u201d Hutch asked. \u201cDidn\u2019t you like your present?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle of a T-Rex? Hell, yeah, I liked it. I loved it, and so did you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGod, how many nights did we spend putting that thing together? Remember trying to find the tiny pieces for the dinosaur\u2019s tiny hands?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe tiny hands are hard to find in a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle,\u201d Starsky said. \u201cAnd it wasn\u2019t that many nights\u2014we\u2019re pretty smart, you know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we might be pretty smart, but we had that thing all over your kitchen table for more than a few days and nights.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood times, partner, good times\u2026\u201d Starsky trailed off, remembering his first few days at home on his own when Hutch had to finally go back to work. Remembering how much everything hurt and how much he didn\u2019t want to take too many pain pills and how long it took to walk to the bathroom and how much even the simplest of things took maximum effort to accomplish. \u201cI remember watching the clock waiting for you to get there every night. By the end of the day the minutes just dragged. I swear, you were the only thing keeping me sane.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI watched the clock, too,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cI hated having to work while you were stuck at home. I hated not knowing if you were okay or hurting or feeling upset. Hated it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou called me about a dozen times a day, Hutch, so you always knew how I was.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s different when I can\u2019t see for myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a control freak.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cProbably, at least when it comes to you,\u201d Hutch said without a hint of apology. \u201cYou should know there\u2019s little chance I\u2019m ever gonna change.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know that,\u201d Starsky said, and laid his hand on Hutch\u2019s knee. \u201cAfter all these years, I\u2019m pretty okay with you just the way you are.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNice,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cI always strive to be \u2018okay\u2019 in life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMission accomplished, so you can relax\u2026besides, it took someone as okay as you are to figure out that I needed a little extra fine tuning in my recovery. You found Dr. Jones for me\u2026I\u2019m not sure I ever really thanked you for that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou thanked me by not socking me in the jaw when I suggested it and actually, you know, going. Speaking of which, did you have a good session this morning?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky kept his hand on Hutch\u2019s knee. \u201cI did. I had a very good session. Figured a few things out, even.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s great, Starsk,\u201d Hutch said enthusiastically. \u201cI thought you\u2019ve seemed more like yourself the last few weeks, more relaxed, I guess? Can you tell me what you\u2019ve been working on\u2026what you talked about today, or does all of that have to stay between you and Dr. Jones? I don\u2019t need to know or anything\u2026I\u2019m just happy you\u2019re feeling better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a big fat lie; you want to know every detail,\u201d Starsky said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I do, I really do,\u201d Hutch agreed. \u201cEvery detail. So, are you going to tell me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky laughed. \u201cOne day. For now, I\u2019m just going to tell you that we focused on one word this morning. And that one word kind of opened me up. Or opened something up in my head\u2026or my heart\u2026or whatever body part holds all the emotional stuff. I was off to the races, running my mouth like I was getting paid for every word I spoke, and not the one doing the paying to be heard.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like a powerful word,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cAnd it didn\u2019t\u2026hurt you\u2026all this opening up? \u00a0It helped?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There it is again<\/em>, all his caring, all his worry right there on his face for me to see. He\u2019s been showing me forever, I can just see it so clearly now. <\/em>\u201cNo, partner, it was good\u2026it was the best. Once I looked at it head-on, no filters, no lying to myself, no pretending\u2026it was the most peaceful feeling in the world. And that\u2019s how I\u2019m feeling right now. I know who I am, I know who I\u2019m always gonna be, and I know what I want. The chips can fall any damn way they please, but I\u2019ve got my truth now and nothing can take that away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cGeez,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cWhat the hell was the word that did all that for you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKissing,\u201d Starsky said calmly. \u201cThe word was kissing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch wore the expression of a man who had just had a bucket of ice water dumped on his head. \u201cKissing? I thought you were going to say heaven or Armageddon or, or\u2026kissing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, kissing. It\u2019s a powerful word when you think about it, Hutch. It\u2019s a powerful act, the act of kissing. Really kissing. Have you ever thought about it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch still looked a little stunned. \u201cI guess I haven\u2019t much, obviously nothing compared to the thinking you\u2019ve given it. Seriously, kissing? You\u2019re not jerking me around?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m not jerking you around. Give it a second and really think about how you feel when you know, you really know, you want to kiss someone for the first time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, yeah, it\u2019s an exciting feeling\u2026but you\u2019re talking about feeling peaceful. I\u2019m really confused.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I didn\u2019t say I wasn\u2019t excited, too, Hutch, \u2019cause I am. The peaceful part came from figuring out who I wanted to kiss and why.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou met someone?\u201d Hutch asked, and Starsky could hear a trace of insecurity in his tone. \u201cHow\u2019d you pull that off during the fifteen minutes a day we\u2019re actually separated\u2026or do I know this person, too?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky glanced down at the hand he thought was still resting on Hutch\u2019s knee and saw that it had moved to Hutch\u2019s thigh on its own volition. Neither of them had even noticed. \u201cYeah, you do, and yeah, I did\u2026about twelve years ago. The best person I\u2019ve ever known. The person I love more than anything on God\u2019s green earth. That\u2019s the person I want to kiss. And according to my doctor, it\u2019s probably something I\u2019ve wanted for a long, long time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch closed his eyes for a moment when Starsky was done speaking, and when he opened them again they looked a little damp, and his voice was half an octave higher than usual when he spoke in barely more than a squeak. \u201cMe? It\u2019s me? You want to kiss me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWith everything I\u2019ve got,\u201d Starsky said and boldly squeezed Hutch\u2019s thigh. \u201cEverything. But, Hutch, just because I want this\u2026and I\u2019m not going to lie to you and say I don\u2019t think you might want it too\u2026but if I\u2019m wrong about that\u2026if you don\u2019t. If the idea makes you want to run for the hills, I won\u2019t bring it up again. Just the knowing. Just saying it to myself and saying it to you\u2026I can stay at peace with that much and no more. I really can. You can go off and think about it for an hour or a day or a year, or you can never think about it again and we\u2019ll still be fine. Our partnership, our friendship\u2026we\u2019ll still be fine. Okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky held his breath while he waited to see if Hutch had absorbed everything he\u2019d said. While he waited to see if he\u2019d just brought their world crashing down on their heads, or if the promise of heaven might be his for the taking. He\u2019d played his highest card and shown his heart. He wouldn\u2019t have to live in a closet, or suffer dreams that left him aroused and confused and lonely. If he couldn\u2019t be honest with himself and with Hutch then what else in his life would ever mean a damn?<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch\u2019s big hand covered the one he had on Hutch\u2019s thigh. \u201cI don\u2019t want to run for the hills, Starsk. I don\u2019t ever want to be anywhere that doesn\u2019t have you in it. Without you, what would I have? Nothing. You\u2019ve been all that really mattered to me for too long to remember\u2026but I never thought this would be possible.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you have<\/em> thought about it?\u201d Starsky asked, feeling the stirrings of joy start to overwhelm the feeling of peace he was determined to be satisfied by. \u201cI haven\u2019t imagined that things have been\u2026different between us since the hospital. More\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIntimate?\u201d Hutch asked. \u201cIs that what you were going to say? Because that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been feeling. That intensity that I\u2019ve always felt for you started to feel\u2026intimate.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, maybe that\u2019s it\u2026or maybe that intensity just needed to take a new form. I don\u2019t know much, but I know what I know, and now I know what I want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019d we get here, Starsk? I mean today, right this second. What did you say to Dr. Jones to make her say the word kissing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky smiled. \u201cIt turns out for the last three or four sessions I\u2019ve done a lot of talking about you and the good doctor called me on it today. She asked me if I realized that everything always came back to you. Since I hadn\u2019t exactly defined things that way, I asked her if she could explain it\u2026instead of explaining it she asked me what I thought of when I thought about the act of kissing. I thought it was kind of an unusual question, but she is a doctor and all. So, I closed my eyes and thought about it and there you were\u2014blue eyes shining, sweet lips smiling, and it was all so freaking clear and obvious.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd peaceful,\u201d Hutch said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what do we do now?\u201d Hutch asked. \u201cShould we just try it and see what happens?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we both know what\u2019s going to happen when we start kissing,\u201d Starsky said, \u201cso I vote we wait.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait for what?\u201d Hutch said, and both looked and sounded disappointed. \u201cWhy should we wait?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I want you to have a little time to be sure\u2014to be really sure\u2014and because it\u2019s almost Christmas and Christmas is all about magic\u2026and love. I\u2019d like our first kiss to be on Christmas Eve, with the tree lit and carols on the stereo\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd we\u2019ll drink champagne\u2014I\u2019ll get us the best I can find.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, we\u2019ll drink champagne,\u201d Starsky agreed. \u201cAnd we\u2019ll toast our future. Our very bright and peaceful future.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd on Christmas morning\u2014\u201d Hutch started.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we\u2019ll wake up together on Christmas morning, partner, and I think we\u2019ll be very happy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Starsky left the office of Dr. Miranda Jones with a light step. He could feel the bounce that used to be as unconscious to him as breathing moving his feet along. Dr. Jones was good at her job. They\u2019d had … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,17,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fic","category-sfw","category-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=497"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":501,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497\/revisions\/501"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2018\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}