{"id":108,"date":"2019-12-11T06:04:40","date_gmt":"2019-12-11T06:04:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/?p=108"},"modified":"2019-12-22T18:39:53","modified_gmt":"2019-12-22T18:39:53","slug":"december-11th-hope-springs-eternal-part-1-tears-and-coal-by-m-h-e-priest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/?p=108","title":{"rendered":"December 11th- Hope Springs Eternal Part 1 – Tears and Coal by M H E Priest"},"content":{"rendered":"

Starsky drew in a deep breath for the second time in as many minutes. Hutch\u2019s exhausted weight against his chest had him hungry for air yet he refused to rearrange their position on the sofa. When he thought about it, Starsky knew he needed Hutch more than he needed air anyway so moving was out of the question–unless he was near passing out from lack of oxygen. And right now, Hutch\u2019s need was to drape a good portion of his upper body over Starsky\u2019s and to practically bury his face in Starsky\u2019s favorite plaid shirt, which was now soaked with tears, drool, and that unsavory byproduct of crying. Since this had been going on for well over an hour, Hutch was obviously experiencing some measure of comfort.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUmmm,\u201d came the muffled sound shortly after Starsky resumed stroking the soft, flaxen hair. Starsky interpreted it as contentment on Hutch\u2019s part, if contentment was even an option for Hutch at this point.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLike that, buddy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A sigh and a couple of beats later, Hutch replied, \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky suppressed his own sigh at the dullness of the utterance. Losing Gillian was bad enough, but in such a violent way made the tragedy for Hutch much worse, in part because he was a cop and it had grievously offended those sensibilities. Starsky knew Hutch was blaming himself–he\u2019d failed to protect. And it was chomping away at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch, buddy, all I can do is love you. Maybe that\u2019ll help in a small way.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStarsk?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Blondie?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m never gonna fall in love again,\u201d Hutch said between hiccups that were a result of his most recent crying jag.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky felt something begin to shrivel inside him. \u201cDon\u2019t say that, babe. You will.\u201d Oh, please, Hutch, don\u2019t go there<\/em>. \u201cThere\u2019s somebody else out there for you. You just gotta believe that.\u201d Don\u2019t shut out the possibility of me being that somebody<\/em>. That you could expand your love for me.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Except for hiccups that were slowly fading, an uneasy silence stretched between them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, Hutch said, \u201cNo, Starsk, I can\u2019t even stand the thought of someone I love walking away from me, much less dying. Not any more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d never walk away from you, Hutch. And I ain\u2019t planning on dying, either. Not for a real long time<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust because this happened with, um, her, don\u2019t mean it\u2019ll happen again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m serious, partner. We\u2019re cops who go after the worst of the worst and anyone close to us is a target. No more. I couldn\u2019t take it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch sounded so positive, so absolute in his resolve not to fall in love again, that Starsky knew what it was that was shrinking within–hope. Hope that Hutch could one day take the next logical step in their relationship. He tried with limited success to keep his body from tensing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd because of who we are to each other,\u201d Hutch continued, seemingly unaware of Starsky\u2019s taut body, \u201cwe\u2019re targets, too. I know that\u2019s the risk we take being cops and partners, but we just have to deal with it. But if it gets too\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky shuddered involuntarily at the unspoken implication of what Hutch left unsaid. \u201cWhat\u2019re you saying, Hutch? You gonna quit us<\/em> if we get too close? What is too close anyways? What if it just looks<\/em> like we\u2019re gonna be used against each other?\u201d He hadn\u2019t meant to sound so angry and aggressive, but he couldn\u2019t stop himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStarsky, you have an amazing ability at times to read my mind. I couldn\u2019t take losing you, either.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The bitter determination in Hutch\u2019s tone made hope shrink into a small lump of coal deep in his roiling gut. Not only was the possibility of Hutch loving him in a deeper physical intimacy waning, now there was a probability that Hutch\u2019s misplaced fear would separate them long before anyone or anything else could.<\/span><\/p>\n

That lump of coal seemed to be turning to ash.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky took a deep breath to settle himself; antagonism wasn\u2019t what Hutch needed right now. With some effort, a mellow firmness infused his words. \u201cYou are not<\/em> gettin\u2019 rid of me, buddy boy. We\u2019re partners<\/em> and experts at keepin\u2019 each other alive. It was you<\/em> who saved me from that poison, remember? Nobody else woulda worked that hard to find the antidote. Without you, I wouldn\u2019t be here. And who would protect you as good as me, huh? You really want that? You wanna split me and thee up?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Another long stretch of silence ensued, this time punctuated by soft, teary whimpers. Starsky felt as if he were sitting on pins and needles while waiting for something more from his emotionally stressed best friend. He kept petting Hutch\u2019s hair, taking care to be gentle and patient.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some interminable time later, Hutch sniffed hard to clear the accumulated mucus. He cleared his throat before saying softly, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t. I can\u2019t see me doing this job with anyone else. I can\u2019t see me trusting anyone like I trust you, and I have to have that. We\u2019re still me and thee, Starsk. Always will be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky trembled with relief. He wanted to say something but his throat wasn\u2019t cooperating due to the lump there that he was pretty sure was his heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLove you, Starsk.\u201d Hutch reached up to brush the back of his fingers along Starsky\u2019s cheek. \u201cThanks, babe.\u201d He lowered his hand to the small part of Starsky\u2019s chest his body wasn\u2019t covering and patted it a few times. He returned his hand to Starsky\u2019s waist.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky\u2019s throat relaxed enough for him to murmur, \u201cLove you, too, Hutch.\u201d More than I can say. Maybe more than you want. Maybe not in the way you want, either<\/em>. Maybe that\u2019ll change<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Within a couple of minutes, Starsky heard steady, deep breathing and felt the accompanying rise and fall of Hutch\u2019s chest that signaled sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky shifted a little, succeeding in freeing a little more of his chest. He took another breath, as deep as he dared. As he slowly released it, he remembered an article he\u2019d read in some magazine about how diamonds were formed. They were a form of carbon, like coal. Under extreme pressure and time, diamonds, the hardest of any natural material, were made.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hutch\u2019s declaration of love and intention to keep their partnership together had stopped his tiny chunk of coal from turning into ash. Now maybe it would turn into a diamond, a symbol of their eternal love. We sure as hell got the pressure thing going for us already, and time is on our side as long as we\u2019re breathing<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Starsky, chuckling to himself about his sentimentality, rested his chin on his beloved\u2019s head. Oh, yeah, sure, eternal. Kinda like my own hope diamond.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

To Be Continued in Part 2: French Fries & Promises<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Starsky drew in a deep breath for the second time in as many minutes. Hutch\u2019s exhausted weight against his chest had him hungry for air yet he refused to rearrange their position on the sofa. When he thought about it, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,9,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-108","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fic","category-sfw","category-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=108"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":562,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/108\/revisions\/562"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=108"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=108"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2019\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=108"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}