{"id":74,"date":"2020-12-04T01:42:29","date_gmt":"2020-12-04T01:42:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/?p=74"},"modified":"2020-12-19T04:50:56","modified_gmt":"2020-12-19T04:50:56","slug":"december-19th-the-care-and-feeding-of-david-starsky-by-mm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/?p=74","title":{"rendered":"December 19th- The Care and Feeding of David Starsky by M&M"},"content":{"rendered":"

Or, how to love a crazy but terrific man without going insane yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>If he\u2019s eaten super spicy food, insist he really brushes his teeth, lips, and tongue and eats some ice cream before getting near my, as he calls it, \u2018morogenous\u2019 zones. A man\u2019s got to protect himself.<\/p>\n

If it\u2019s fried, he\u2019ll love it. (I never knew there were so many ways to fry potatoes, kale, bok choy, tofu, and more.)<\/p>\n

Keep up the illusion that green beans are an aphrodisiac. (Some of the best use of my undercover talents was convincing Starsky of this.) Fry them on occasion when you\u2019re particularly \u201chungry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Encourage him to at least try \u201choot owl beaks and butterfly bones\u201d or whatever he\u2019s calling the healthful foods I eat. Especially if they\u2019re fried. (You\u2019d think a guy that puts grape jelly and spicy mustard on a kielbasa would be more adventuresome when it comes to new culinary experiences. And considering the other things he\u2019s tasted with that tongue, you\u2019d think a banana chip would be easy!)<\/p>\n

Avoid this Major Hazard: Keep your hands away from him when he\u2019s eating chocolate and don\u2019t make any fast moves. Only reach out if he offers to share, but do it quickly before he changes his mind. Starsky can smell any chocolate. Even if it\u2019s in the freezer. Wrapped in two layers of foil. Stashed in a bag of beets. If cocoa becomes a black market commodity he\u2019s got a career at border check. On the other hand, I\u2019ll eat chocolate just to entice him into an intense kissing session. And I do mean intense.<\/p>\n

When Starsk takes out one of those big kosher pickles that he gets from the deli and starts \u201ceating\u201d it in front of you and says stuff like, \u201cLook, babe! It makes my lips pucker and my tongue feel bumpy. Hmmm. What can a guy do with puckered lips and a bumpy tongue?\u201d, it\u2019s the better part of valor just to unbutton and unzip because you both know exactly what\u2019s coming next.<\/p>\n

Hanukkah surprise this year? Ask his mother for Bubbe\u2019s sour cherry pierogi recipe, then ask Huggy for his help and kitchen in making it in exchange for actually paying our beer tab.<\/p>\n

Let him express his inner oral fixation as often as he likes. In fact, encourage it (I\u2019m not stupid). This is something we both benefit from. Have knee pads or towels handy if a long session is anticipated. (That \u2018double thick lux-feel\u2019 area rug in the living room was a wise investment, hunh?)<\/p>\n

Accept the fact he\u2019s a blanket hog, so keep a spare under the bed. Better still, snuggle up against him. He\u2019s like a furnace anyway.<\/p>\n

Keep a bottle of Windex and paper towels in the bottom of both bedside tables. Amazing how all those mirrors get streaked at least once a day. I\u2019m not complaining.<\/p>\n

Keep a variety of lubes handy. He likes variety. Consider investing in the companies that make K-Y, Astroglide, etc. Maybe learn how to make nut oils (no pun intended), especially since they could serve multiple purposes.<\/p>\n

There are four times every year when all I can do is listen to him, even if he\u2019s not saying anything — his father\u2019s and Terry\u2019s birthdays and anniversaries of their deaths.<\/p>\n

Start planning where to hide everything before buying his presents. That \u201cspider nest\u201d spot behind the attic fan will only fit so much and last year proves I can\u2019t trust Rosie anymore. (Who knew a sweet little girl from a great home would ruthlessly play both sides for a profit? Kids these days!) Try stashing various chocolates (remember to hide an M&M in your navel!) around the house to put him off the scent of Scotch tape. Find alternative sites. The office at Chez Helene? The evidence lock-up? Maybe see if the morgue has a spare locker? Solitary at San Quentin? Mars?<\/p>\n

Watch sci-fi or western movies and TV shows with him. It\u2019s amazing how fast he can grasp a logic or philosophical concept that initiates a fascinating conversation that does get steered into the twisted at times (both are quite enjoyable).<\/p>\n

Accept with just enough grumping and bah-humbugging when Starsky suggests a Star Wars Play Date (assume the role of Prince Lay-im with a modicum of grace and don\u2019t roll your eyes too much when Starsky plays Handsey Solo) to make him think you\u2019re doing this only to make him happy. Don\u2019t let on you love this! So go rent Star Wars<\/em> and The Empire Strikes Back<\/em> while he heads for Mama D\u2019s Bakery and Soul Food Eatery for those really big cinnamon rolls that he eats out the backs so they\u2019ll fit onto my ears. (He nibbles on them so sensuously while we watch the movies but I lose it when he cleans around and in my ears\u2026 Thanks to this, I now grow wood when I smell cinnamon. Not necessarily a bad thing; just inconvenient in public.)<\/p>\n

When he starts to brag about the size and prowess of his unique \u201clightsaber with dual injection boosters,\u201d bring him down to earth with, \u201cAren\u2019t you a little short for a storm trooper?\u201d He always has to prove it (can\u2019t believe he hasn\u2019t caught on to this ploy), so have the lube handy.<\/p>\n

On those days when I feel lost or useless, all I need to do is look into his eyes and know that isn\u2019t true. He truly keeps me sane, and much more.<\/p>\n

Basically, do anything for him, whether he asks or not.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

M&M are MatSir & MHE Priest<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Or, how to love a crazy but terrific man without going insane yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,9,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-74","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fic","category-nsfw","category-slash"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=74"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":513,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74\/revisions\/513"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=74"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=74"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2020\/calendar\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=74"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}