{"id":489,"date":"2014-12-22T05:54:24","date_gmt":"2014-12-22T05:54:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2014\/calendar\/?p=489"},"modified":"2022-02-06T23:42:48","modified_gmt":"2022-02-06T23:42:48","slug":"december-22nd-modern-family-by-kerrys2boys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/advent.starskyhutchcalendar.net\/2014\/calendar\/?p=489","title":{"rendered":"December 22nd- Modern Family by Kerrys2Boys"},"content":{"rendered":"

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By the time Starsky took his place at the window, at two in the morning on New Year\u2019s Day, there was nothing but rain and grime and endless emptiness to see. If there had been anything to see on the streets, it was long gone for now. The sickly yellow of the neon lights across the street were weak and dull, but cast enough light to show up the years of encrusted dirt on the window and its weathered surrounds. Mold-speckled curtains, brittle and yellow with age, framed the whole ugly picture of the world outside. From inside, where he sat, it was even worse. Even bleaker than the dark sheeting rain that cut through the miserable night outside.<\/p>\n

Hutch was damn well right. Everything about this festering hole was ugly.<\/p>\n

The early first hours of the brand new year found them stuck inside a grimy, flea-bitten hotel room that served as a strategic vantage point to survey the streetscape below and beyond. If the shabby, depressing d\u00e9cor wasn\u2019t bad enough, years of food smells, smoke, and stale odors of bodily excrement seemed to have seeped into the mildewed plasterboard and caught in the uneven floorboards, creating a layered sour stench.<\/p>\n

And it was friggin\u2019 cold, too. Cold and damp inside the worn room and colder outside than it should be for an LA winter night. This small pocket of hell tucked into the dangerous streets of south LA had to be up there with the worst of the job sites he\u2019d been stuck in. Still, if he could be bothered to put some effort into it, he\u2019d probably recall worse.<\/p>\n

Surveillance jobs encompassed just about everything that Starsky hated most about the downside of a cop\u2019s job\u2014long hours of tedium and mind-numbing boredom and nothing whatsoever in the line of physical action\u2014for the most part anyway. There wasn\u2019t a soul on the street and the side streets he was watching. Not even a stray, drunken New Years party reveler who might have inadvertently wandered into this shady danger zone. Those who might have braved the wet, dark, rainy night in search of further celebration would hardly be doing so in the area he and Hutch were staking out. Starsky was beginning to wonder if even hardened criminals would bother to choose this sort of night to do a deal.<\/p>\n

In a perverse way he was beginning to hope for a little heart-stopping adrenaline rush\u2014just a hint of some action going down to move the case forward and save him from sliding into total self absorption. How could he take three more hours of this? His eyes were already burning from the constant focusing of the street below, and his neck felt stiff from sustaining a forward-leaning straddle across a turned hard-backed chair. He could deal with the physical discomfort\u2014as a seasoned cop he was well used to that. But, the long quiet hours that lay ahead were going to leave him defenseless against his inner voice. The one that wouldn\u2019t let up telling him that something was going on with Hutch.<\/p>\n

It was more than just that Hutch wasn\u2019t happy about where they were and what they were doing. Hell, even an eternal optimist would be hard pressed to find something positive about the situation. It was a bummer that they were stuck here and a double bummer given that it was one of the year\u2019s biggest party nights. They\u2019d really gone and pulled the short straw with this year\u2019s \u201choliday\u201d assignment.<\/p>\n

Sure, it was only reasonable that holiday shifts had to be shared around. Sometimes though, it felt as though they did a little more than other officers. More than those officers with wives and kids and pressing responsibilities. Not like him and Hutch. Everyone knew that they had no such responsibilities. No wives, kids, or family ties. And so, as much as Starsky was a sucker for holidays like Christmas and New Year, he accepted that they were meant to be shared with families. He would have thought that Hutch, who really didn\u2019t seem to care much for festive sentiment, would be even less concerned about working the shifts. On the contrary, this time Hutch seemed mightily pissed off about it all.<\/p>\n

He could sense Hutch behind him, still awake even though it was his turn to bunk out on the stained and threadbare excuse for a mattress, his duffle bag and jacket bundled up beneath his head as a pillow. Starsky could see the reflection of his reclining blond partner, or at least fragmented parts of him, in the filthy, wet window.<\/p>\n

Their last exchange had been nearly an hour earlier when they\u2019d swapped stations. It had been a terse bit of conversation\u2014not even conversation\u2014just more of Hutch\u2019s griping. Hutch had shaken Starsky awake to relieve him on surveillance after which he\u2019d wasted no time in crashing on the creaking, rusted bed. Behind him, Hutch tossed and squirmed on the mattress, kicking out savagely at the bed end that was too close to his feet for his long body to stretch out comfortably, punctuating each kick with a hissed obscenity.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a piece of shit. They expect us to get some rest on this rust bucket of a cot?\u201d Starsky heard the corroded iron of the bed screech as Hutch\u2019s boot slammed into it, but he didn\u2019t turn around. \u201cWhat a fuckin\u2019 lousy way to spend to spend New Year\u2019s. Look at this crumby shitbox, will you, Starsky? Just look at it! Look at us while you\u2019re doing it. Jesus, what a shitty, pathetic life we lead. Are we totally fucked in the head or what? Who else would be doing this sort of crap on New Year\u2019s Eve?\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019d probably said more but Starsky had cued himself out after the first few lines. It was all so reminiscent of others Hutch had used several times already that evening and in the last few days. A variation of the same bitching resentment.<\/p>\n

Starsky wondered if Hutch even heard the stuff he was saying? His ranting about the shitty life that \u201cwe lead\u201d or \u201cour fucking lives\u201d or some such thing, rating the quality of the life that the two of them woke up to each morning, whether Starsky had a say in the evaluation or not. And, by Hutch\u2019s measure, their lives were coming way short of his expectations. Which was news to Starsky, because from his perspective nothing was different about their day-to-day existence. Had Hutch\u2019s expectations for life changed somehow while Starsky hadn\u2019t been watching?<\/p>\n

With all that over-supply of misery and venting, it was surprising that Hutch wasn\u2019t asleep. He should be out for the count, not lying there as he was, staring open-eyed at the ceiling above the bed.<\/p>\n

Starsky leaned into the window, staring out into the night. Not a thing. Not a goddamn solitary thing to be seen or even heard. Except Hutch\u2019s fidgeting restlessness behind him.<\/p>\n

Starsky focused on the gloomy street beyond the room. When he finally said it, he wondered if it probably wasn\u2019t the best time to bring it up. In fact, he wasn\u2019t even sure why he did, but it was in his nature to be impetuous, especially when he was uncertain or cornered. He\u2019d been feeling both of those things since an irritated Hutch had kicked the door closed behind them hours earlier.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you could have a child, would you?\u201d He threw the question over his shoulder.<\/p>\n

Starsky knew what Hutch would be thinking, that the obscure question was just another example of Starsky\u2019s rampant musings. He couldn\u2019t blame Hutch for that. He was well aware of his own tendency to fall back on spontaneous glib repertoire whenever he was bored or was feeling like some caged beast. But this question wasn\u2019t part of that.<\/p>\n

Its origins were deep inside of him, rising up from some troubled dark center, working its way to the tip of his tongue all evening, as though it had to be let out, squirming and impatient to be released. It was out now, even if the timing of it might not be the best. Because, the worst of it was, he could hardly walk out of the room and leave his duty post if he didn\u2019t like the outcome.<\/p>\n

Starsky waited. He put his chin down on his forearms pressing himself firmly against the hard surface of the wooden chair and looked out into the night while his thumb absently worked at the chipping veneer of the chair back. He could wait. Patience was something he\u2019d learned to develop with Hutch.<\/p>\n

\u201cStarsky?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the hell sort of question is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

There it was. The bristling agitation. Hutch didn\u2019t like the question.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne I\u2019ve been wantin\u2019 to ask you for about a week or more now,\u201d Starsky answered truthfully. He didn\u2019t look back to see what Hutch was doing. \u201cOne that I\u2019ve been wonderin\u2019 about since you said what you did to Molly just before Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said lots of things to Molly around Christmas,\u201d Hutch said distantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m talking about that day last week when we drove her to that foster family, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course I remember.\u201d And Starsky could hear in his voice that he clearly did and that he didn\u2019t like the memory.<\/p>\n

\u201c…And she wanted nothin\u2019 more than to get back in the car and drive home with us to your place\u2014to stay with you\u2014probably forever, if she could.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had to let her down,\u201d Hutch said flatly.<\/p>\n

Starsky let that go. Even though he knew it was important to Hutch, Starsky wasn\u2019t thinking about Molly. Selfish perhaps, but then he had his own needs, too. He had a need to understand something that had been stuck in his head for days. Something was eating away at Hutch and was therefore eating away at him, too. Starsky traced its beginning back to Molly.<\/p>\n

That was when something seemed to have shifted inside of Hutch.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen she asked you to take her back again, perhaps for good, you said you couldn\u2019t have a kid\u2014not with your hours, your job.\u201d Starsky paused, pressed his chin even harder into his arms as he said it. Not with our shitty, pathetic lives. \u201c<\/em>Not\u2014well, being a bachelor and all. At least I think that was what ya\u2019 said.\u201d He remembered clearly what Hutch had said and how he\u2019d said it.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe needed to know the score. The truth. Better than hurting her more by lying or pretending. It was tough on her, poor kid,\u201d Hutch said, a hollowness in his voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeemed tough on you, too, Hutch. I saw your face. Saw it other times too, when you had her at your place. She\u2014it\u2014the whole thing cut you up. Did you think that I never even noticed that?”<\/p>\n

That got his attention. Starsky could hear the drag of Hutch\u2019s long legs as he pulled himself upright on the sagging mattress, drawing his body up ’til he was sitting against the corroded bedhead.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a little tougher than me in that department, Starsky.\u201d He hesitated, shifted on the bed, the ironwork creaking beneath him. \u201cI\u2019ve always been in awe of you in that way. You\u2019ve had your own share of hurt and loss when you most needed it\u2014losing your father at such a young age and being shipped across the country\u2014and you were strong enough to survive it. I\u2019m not so good at looking at that sort of stuff\u2014facing it head on like that.\u201d Starsky stole a glance at the reflection and saw Hutch looking at his hands. \u201cI didn\u2019t like doing that to Molly. Leaving her like that. Didn\u2019t like to see her disappointment when I told her. All she wanted was to be with someone over Christmas,\u201d Hutch said softly. \u201cKids\u2014hell, people in general, shouldn\u2019t have to be alone at Christmas time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about you, Hutch? You think you can go through life being alone for all the Christmases that lie ahead?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a dumb question, Starsk. I\u2019m not alone. I\u2019ve got my own family. Not like Molly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch, you barely talk to your own family, let alone see them at Christmas. I don\u2019t even think you spoke to your dad at all this Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe wasn\u2019t inside the house when I called and spoke to Mother. Besides\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cBesides, you\u2019re not really a Christmas enthusiast. I know,\u201d Starsky filled in.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2014I was going to say\u2026\u201d Hutch paused, shifted again, \u201csomething else\u2026.\u201d But he didn\u2019t. He stopped at that and Starsky caught the frustration in his sigh, like he was disappointed he hadn\u2019t said it after all.<\/p>\n

It was enough to have Starsky turning in his seat, away from the window and the surveillance just for a quick moment. He needed to look at Hutch for real and not just in a reflection when he said the rest. \u201cBut the bit about being alone in the future, say, if you don\u2019t have your own kid or kids. Don\u2019t settle down? Don\u2019t have a wife. What then? What if you end up like Molly one day? All alone on Christmas Eve?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch swung his legs over the mattress and stood up. With a sigh and a stretch, he walked over to where Starsky sat and took his place beside him, standing and staring out the window, almost unconsciously picking up the slack, maintaining the watch while Starsky was not. Getting the job done, keeping up the surveillance despite the distraction of the conversation. Despite his bitching and groaning about a cop\u2019s life Hutch would never fail to give his all to the job. Not even for a moment did Starsky doubt that\u2014even though it might have been convenient that Hutch would use the task of surveillance to distract him from the conversation. Conviction. It\u2019s what made Hutch such a great cop and an even better human being.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s brought all this on, Starsk? Post Christmas melancholia? New Year\u2019s Eve blues? Simple boredom?\u201d Hutch asked him softly, any irritation replaced by the warm modulated voice that could so easily make Starsky forget his purpose\u2014hell\u2014could almost make him forget to take his next breath. Still, he wasn\u2019t about to let Hutch deflect him with that buttery voice. God, how he loved that voice, and oh how he loved to be deflected by it\u2014but not now.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the one who\u2019s been down in the dumps since Christmas, pal. I\u2019m not the one who\u2019s retreated into the famous Hutchinson silence for the last week and who\u2019s been huffin\u2019 and puffin\u2019 over there on that bed for the past hour. I\u2019m just tryin\u2019 to figure out if this look-at-this-shitty-life-we-lead stuff is all about resentin\u2019 that you haven\u2019t got that Golden Book family yet. That you might not ever get it while we lead this life\u2014together.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hutch looked sideways at him from the window, his concentration divided between his partner and the view outside. To balance it, to balance them. Starsky turned to resume his own studied vigil of the street outside. He might have been hoping before for some definitive action to unravel, but now he wanted the quiet street to stay quiet. If anything did go down and they missed it, Dobey would skin them alive and they would never forgive themselves either. This stakeout, this case was important to the Department.<\/p>\n

But then what was happening between the two of them now was also important\u2014to both of them. It was like a case all their own. The case between the two of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cA what? What did you call it? A ‘Golden Book Family’?<\/em> Jesus, Starsky what is going on in your head?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy head? I\u2019m more interested in what\u2019s goin\u2019 on in yours, partner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think I want a child? Is that what this is about, Starsk?\u201d He sounded almost pained.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps\u2026. Why not? A Molly maybe, or a Pete even.\u201d Starsky tried for a lopsided grin but it was a strain to pull off. \u201cA Kiko of your own. A wife to go home to at night and to kiss goodbye in the mornings. The chance to make a family like the one you might always have wanted, like the one you never got to experience when you were a kid yourself. A family for all the Christmases ahead that you might actually begin to enjoy when you have loved ones to share them with,\u201d he finished, almost lamely, he thought, and then looked away, back to the dark gloom of outside. It seemed easier to look outside than to find what effect his words might have had on Hutch. He was almost fearful of what he might see reflected in the face of the only bright thing in the dismally dirty room.<\/p>\n

The quiet room got quieter, no voices to fill it, just the sounds of gusty rain hitting the window at a sharp angle. There was the rustle of Hutch\u2019s shirt as he moved and the even measure of his breathing. Then came that deep Hutch sigh that meant Starsky had yet again given him cause for displeasure or irritation. And yet, the firm grip that came and settled on his shoulder, made by Hutch\u2019s big rough hand, warm despite the coldness around them, didn\u2019t feel like an irritated gesture.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, Starsky, I think people have largely got us figured all wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky looked up sharply, confused by the statement. Even a little worried. \u201cIn what way?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone says that you and I have this silent communication thing going on between us,\u201d Hutch started to expand.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014and I\u2019m sure that a lot of the time, we do. But\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cBut? There\u2019s a \u2018but\u2019?\u201d Starsky was getting more worried.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think that for the big stuff, the really important stuff, we seem to often mess it up. The communication side of things,\u201d Hutch said. \u201cOr at least I do. I know<\/em> I do. You\u2019ve just proved it to me again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStarsk, listen to what you\u2019ve just asked me, for God\u2019s sake. You\u2019ve been walking around since Molly thinking that\u2014that I somehow want a kid of my own, a\u2026 a\u2026\u201d he sucked in a little breath and blew it out as though it took effort to say it, \u201c\u2026a wife? A whole family that will what? Somehow give me a sense of belonging?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, ya\u2019 did say you couldn\u2019t have a kid with the life you lead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I can\u2019t. And I wouldn\u2019t. Not with our jobs, not with the lifestyle that goes with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo are you wishing that you had a different job?\u201d Starsky asked. \u201cNot just a different job\u2014but a different lifestyle? You really seem to have been seriously pissed off with things in the past week.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose I have. This job makes it hard to remain starry-eyed about life for very long. Molly and her terrible circumstances just brought that all home to me again.\u201d His voice trailed off. \u201cAnd\u2014at the worst time of the year\u2014Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch. Listen. I\u2019m not just talking about Molly here, even though I know that what went down with her rocked you hard. It\u2019s more than that.\u201d Starsky stopped for a moment, not sure whether he should push his concerns any further with Hutch being as closed off as he had been\u2014as he still seemed to be.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen tell me,\u201d Hutch said simply and patiently enough that Starsky felt he could.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I was scared that you were feelin\u2019 like you wanted more than what you and I can have together. With what we\u2019ve got together, just the two of us. No kids, no happy families sharing in our relationship. I was frightened that when you spent time with Molly\u2014saw her with Kiko and his family\u2014that it made you aware of what you secretly wanted to have, too.\u201d It was a lot to say, a lot for Starsky to choke out, around a throat constricted with emotion. Until he had put it all out in front of him, he really didn\u2019t appreciate how worried he\u2019d been that he might be holding onto Hutch too hard. Holding on to a partner that wanted something more in life than he could give him.<\/p>\n

Hutch nodded his head slowly in understanding. \u201cI see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Starsky didn\u2019t think he did.<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch.\u201d Starsky stood up and faced him. \u201cIf you\u2019re unhappy with all of this,\u201d he nodded his chin toward the window to encompass the sordid desolate street beyond where they stood, \u201cthis \u2018shitty\u2019 job and our life, then maybe we should talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTalk about what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Okay, so Hutch wasn\u2019t going to make this any easier for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour unhappiness, Hutch. Your God-awful misery of the last week\u2014that\u2019s what.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry if I\u2019ve been bringing you down with my pessimism. Being here tonight,\u201d Hutch waved his hand about, \u201chasn\u2019t helped my bad mood. I should\u2019ve realized my funk wasn\u2019t fair to you. I know how festive times, like Christmas, mean so much to you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch, I don\u2019t need you to treat me like some kid because it’s Christmas or\u2014\u201c he frowned, frustrated that Hutch was missing his point.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you\u2019re right. You don\u2019t. You need to be treated like who you are.\u201d Hutch smiled softly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d Starsky pulled back his head a little in surprise, uncertain of where Hutch was heading.<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean, that I need to be more mindful about remembering that I should be grateful for the family that I do have,\u201d Hutch said cryptically. At least it seemed cryptic to Starsky who had no idea of what he was talking about.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve lost me, Hutch. I\u2019m still back tryin\u2019 to figure out the bit about not being treated like a kid who loves Christmas too much for my own good.\u201d Starsky smiled a little sheepishly and then cocked his head in question. \u201cWhat\u2019s this got to do with you being grateful to your family? I thought you and your family weren\u2019t close.\u201d<\/p>\n

That was the point when Hutch stepped forward even closer, the hand on Starsky\u2019s shoulder moving up to his hair, his thumb to his cheek, his face dangerously close to Starsky\u2019s\u2014not too close for Starsky\u2019s comfort, but for two male cops in the middle of a surveillance job. Two cops who were standing at a hotel window with nothing but a gaudy curtain to shield them from the street below.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m only realizing that I\u2019ve never really talked openly enough about my family to you,\u201d Hutch admitted wistfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch, I\u2019m not asking you to explore all of your relationships here. Your family is your own business, but anytime you want to talk about them to me, you know you can. But what I\u2019ve been tryin\u2019 to say here tonight is\u2014\u201c Starsky knew he was going to have to say it now, before he lost the nerve. Straight to the point and clean cut.<\/em> He put his hand up to his own chest emphasizing his role in what he was saying. \u201cHutch, if you\u2019ve come to realize that you\u2019re not happy\u2014if you\u2019re no longer happy with us, with me,\u201d and God that hurt him a lot to say, \u201cwell\u2014ya\u2019 only have to tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

There. He\u2019d said it.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo longer happy with you?\u201d Hutch said it in the strangest way, like it was a bunch of foreign words he was practicing for the first time.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u2014like\u2014if you\u2019ve decided that it\u2019s time for you to have a family. A family of your own.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA family of my own?\u201d Hutch repeated like Starsky was talking Russian or something.<\/p>\n

Starsky felt his brow tightening in frustration. Why did it feel like he had to help Hutch understand him? Could he make it any clearer? He wasn\u2019t sure he could take the pain of saying it again. \u201cYes\u2014a proper family,\u201d he repeated and hoped not to hear it echoed back to him yet again.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have a family, Starsky. A proper family.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u2014but I meant\u2014to make one of your own. The next generation of Hutchinsons.\u201d Wow, did that twist his heart. Burn his brain with the imagery it created.<\/p>\n

Christmas card photos, the classic nuclear family. Hutch sitting proud and happy, his arm draped possessively about the shoulders of his pretty stylish wife, her long blond hair a matching halo to Hutch\u2019s, her small hand placed lovingly on his knee, while their two\u2014hell, make that three\u2014flaxen-haired children sat cross-legged at their parents’ feet, secure in the love of their parents, beaming at the camera with big smiles. Picture card perfection.<\/em><\/p>\n

A sudden jarring horn blow from the street jarred the stillness and the ethereal glow of the image was lost and he was back in the dark, dirty room and the job at hand.<\/p>\n

Starsky moved closer to the window, his body tensing as he pulled himself back to the reality of his mission, all the while acutely aware of Hutch watching him intently.<\/p>\n

The blaring pierce of the car horn receded into the distance. \u201cNothin’\u2014just some passing idiot wanting to cause a stir.\u201d He didn\u2019t sit back down again, but stood ramrod straight, his attempt to maintain his vigil back in place. It was suddenly easier than looking at Hutch who was beginning to make him uncomfortable with his steady gaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cStarsky?\u201d Hutch asked, his voice so soft that he seemed almost uncertain.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I tell you about the family I do<\/em> have, Starsky?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u2014if you want to, Hutch, but I don\u2019t think you need\u2014\u201c Starsky was beginning to feel that he had really screwed up this whole attempt to get to the bottom of what was bugging Hutch. Maybe he should have left the whole discussion ’til they weren\u2019t here. Maybe he shouldn\u2019t have even brought it up. \u201cBut look\u2014I shouldn\u2019t have started this discussion. Go back and try to get some sleep. It\u2019s my watch now\u2014I\u2019ve got this covered. I\u2019m sorry I interrupted your rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

He wasn\u2019t sure he even wanted to hear what Hutch had to say on the matter anyway. The lousy night and shitty atmosphere was quickly draining him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2014I want to. I really feel the need to talk about my family. It seems important right now that you get to hear about them.\u201d The sincerity in Hutch\u2019s voice was almost tremulous. That, and his sudden desire to bring his family up, caught Starsky off guard.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay. I\u2019m listenin\u2019,\u201d Starsky said, a little unsure of Hutch\u2019s shift in mood.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, let me see\u2026. First there\u2019s my father,\u201d Hutch began and Starsky tried to hide the momentary confusion at the uncharacteristic warmth in his partner\u2019s voice. \u201cHe can be the wisest man I know when he comes out with things that no one else seems to be able to see or understand. He\u2019s great at giving advice and telling me when I need to pull my head in, and he\u2019s always there to kick my ass just enough when I become too complacent or self-centered. A father that knows how to give me tough love.\u201d<\/p>\n

He paused as though sorting his thoughts and Starsky felt himself stiffen with concern. What the hell?<\/em><\/p>\n

Was this Hutch\u2019s post-Christmas emotional crisis? Hutch and his father had nothing like this sort of relationship to Starsky\u2019s knowledge.<\/p>\n

Before he could chew on this any further, Hutch continued. \u201cMy mother can be infuriatingly overprotective and likes to smother me with affection when I\u2019m hurt or upset\u2014even though I\u2019m a grown, tough man. She knows me so well, it\u2019s frightening. I couldn\u2019t live without her nurturing and caring, but I don\u2019t often let her know that or I\u2019d be completely mother-henned to death.\u201d He smiled gently and gave Starsky a pointed look.<\/p>\n

\u201cHutch? Ummn?\u201d Starsky\u2019s unease increased. Hutch\u2019s mother saw him but once a year. Was he talking about his childhood memories? No. He\u2019d referred to himself as a grown man. Jesus\u2026. This was not good.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThen there\u2019s my brother.\u201d The smile as he said it became almost beautiful and if wasn\u2019t for the words that went with it, Starsky might not have been able to resist reaching out to touch the lips that made that smile so breathtaking.<\/p>\n

His brother? Oh God, should he stop this right now? Was Hutch losing it completely?<\/p>\n

\u201cMy brother is my soul mate, my closest kin. He looks out for me, protects me, and walks beside me. I couldn\u2019t love him anymore than I do. I think you know how that feels, Starsky,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u2014well\u2014Nicky and I ain\u2019t all that close these days but\u2014\u201c Starsky heard his worry as he stumbled on the words. \u201cHutch\u2014you know you don\u2019t have a brother, don\u2019t you? Not a real brother\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

But Hutch was still smiling, and not the sort of smile that made Starsky think that he was joking or being stupid, or even doing one of his put-one-over-on-Starsky acts. No, it was the sort of smile that meant he seriously believed his own story.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy sister,\u201c he was off again, \u201disn\u2019t around a lot. My brother and I are just so tight, I guess, it\u2019s hard for her to make a place in my life. Still she makes her presence felt when she thinks I need some bossing about. She understands my fears and insecurities, and she\u2019ll tell me what I need to hear, even if I don\u2019t want to hear it. And lastly there\u2019s\u2014well, I don\u2019t think this member of the family will come as a surprise to you, Starsk.\u201d Hutch laughed lightly.<\/p>\n

Starsky wanted to tell him that in fact, everything he\u2019d said in the last few minutes was a surprise\u2014one big overwhelming surprise. But he didn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t because he was starting to understand, finally, that Hutch wasn\u2019t having some sort of New Year’s Eve breakdown, after all.<\/p>\n

No\u2014his partner was just being the big, blond, enchantingly lovable man that he could so often be.<\/p>\n

Hutch reached up to pull gently on Starsky\u2019s curls, his eyes soft with fondness. \u201cI\u2019m the proud father of a rascally little boy, some hellcat kid with dark curls and an impish grin who keeps me on my toes every day and never lets me get old. Without him there would be no one to remind me that I\u2019m never too old to find the magic in life. Magic that\u2019s always there, just waiting for me. I get to see life all over again through his young, idealistic eyes, and it\u2019s like I\u2019m getting another chance to be a kid myself. He gives me a second chance at experiencing all the things I missed out on when I was a kid myself. With him in my life, I get to explore parts of me I didn\u2019t know existed\u2014silly, inane, joyous parts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Hutch. Oh, babe\u2026\u201d Starsky murmured, as not just comprehension, but the full emotion of what Hutch was saying, hit him hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis kid of mine is particularly impish at Christmas, when he never gives up on trying to make me understand the simple pleasures of giving to others. If I didn\u2019t have the kid in you, Starsky, I might have given up long ago on humanity.\u201d Hutch sucked in a huge breath then, his intake shaky with the intensity of what he had said. It was as though it had all come out in a big rush, like some massive purging of his heart and feelings. He took a moment to look closely at Starsky, and Starsky stood still beneath his heavy gaze, knowing that his face would be showing every feeling that Hutch\u2019s words had put there.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t think\u2014didn\u2019t know there was a family like that for you, Hutch.\u201d Starsky could barely breathe himself, let alone speak, but he somehow choked it out. \u201cI\u2014I\u2019m really pleased to hear you say you\u2019ve got all that in your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do, and I\u2019m grateful for it every day, but never say it or make it nearly clear enough, and I\u2019m so sorry for that\u2026.\u201d Hutch closed his eyes tight, fighting to get the next words out. \u201cOh, Starsk? Don\u2019t you see?\u201d<\/p>\n

And when Hutch said his name like that, as though it was some delicate beautiful artifact he was holding in his trembling hands, his eyes and face alive with sheer wonderment at the object, Starsky knew how deeply Hutch was feeling and how intensely he wanted to convey it.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re my family,” Hutch said. “You\u2019re the most important person in my life, and the only person I will ever need or want to come home to every day of that life\u2014and even more so on special days like Christmas. You\u2019re my parents, my siblings, my child, and my partner\u2014and you couldn\u2019t make me feel anymore loved than you already do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cChrist, stop it, Hutch, please. You\u2019re goin\u2019 to have me in tears…and I can hardly be doin\u2019 that when we\u2019re s\u2019posed to be here workin\u2019\u2026s\u2019posed to be watchin\u2019 the street\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Truth was of course, it was already too late for that. Starsky could barely see Hutch’s beloved face for the watery film across his eyes. He felt the physical evidence threatening to spill down his cheeks. \u201cIt\u2019s too much damn emotion to take in one go while we\u2019re here and can\u2019t\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

Hutch had moved in closer. His hands were no longer playing in Starsky\u2019s curls, but had moved to the back of his neck, pressing firmly, insistently to pull his head forward, not near enough that their mouths were touching, but near enough for Starsky to feel Hutch\u2019s breath, see the contours of his upper lip, smell his skin. Closer than Starsky could bear to have him without doing something about it\u2014something that would be ill-advised while they were on duty.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,” Hutch said. “And you\u2019re right. We need to get this shift behind us. But in less than four hours we\u2019re finished here for two whole days straight. Two days, Starsk. Imagine that.\u201d Hutch tipped his head to whisper the suggestive notion into Starsky\u2019s ear, the baby soft ends of Hutch’s bright hair brushing over Starsky’s upper cheek.<\/p>\n

Starsky smiled provocatively, but it was more for show than anything. What he was really feeling was flooding relief and sheer emotional joy. Hutch had dispelled his greatest fears. He\u2019d made it clear that he was more than enough for him, all that he wanted. That was as much as anybody could ask for from someone they loved. He was the center of Hutch\u2019s world and nothing could surpass that feeling.<\/p>\n

\u201cForty-eight hours all to ourselves,\u201d Starsky said, echoing Hutch\u2019s sentiment.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow will we possibly fill those hours?\u201d Hutch said, putting the icing on his speech of his love for Starsky with a reminder of what they shared on other more intimate levels.<\/p>\n

Starsky could barely resist the game. \u201cWhat do ya\u2019 want to do with them, babe? I\u2019d rather you tell me than imagine it myself. Tell me\u2026.\u201d Starsky purred back at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2014I\u2019m thinking that when we get this job behind us,\u201d Hutch suggested softly, keeping one hand on Starsky as he cast his gaze up and down the street below, \u201cthat I\u2019d like to be spend some quality time\u2014totally private time, with my very favorite family member. I mean\u2014no parents, no siblings\u2014and definitely NO kids. \u201d Hutch pressed his lips into a firm line as though he was trying to hold back a laugh.<\/p>\n

Starsky pulled back. His eyes narrowed. \u201cHutch,\u201d he warned, \u201cI can be your dad, your brother, I guess your mother-hen mom, too. And, you know, the kid bit comes easy for me when I\u2019m in that sorta\u2019 mood. I\u2019m even prepared, if I had to, I suppose\u2014on a really bad day\u2014to be your damn sister. Christ, I can\u2019t believe I said that.\u201d He held up his hand as though warning Hutch not to push him any further. \u201cBut I\u2019m tellin\u2019 ya, Hutch, there ain\u2019t NO WAY, no way in hell, that you\u2019re goin\u2019 to paint me as your wife!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I say wife?\u201d Hutch asked, all innocence and blinking eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I did\u2014say wife,\u201c Hutch smiled in teasing merriment, \u201cI\u2019d paint you as a super sexy, mind-blowing hot wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say it and see what\u2014\u201d Starsky growled.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I didn\u2019t say wife. I don\u2019t have a wife. I know that sounds a little amoral when I\u2019ve got a kid in the house, too\u2014but then, we live in progressive times, Starsk.\u201d He grinned. \u201cWe\u2019re a modern family.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA modern family, hey?\u201d Starsky cocked his eyebrow and grinned.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne that I think works\u2014at least for us.\u201d Hutch smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, this modern family doesn\u2019t have a wife\u2014and thank God for that. So\u2014then? Spill it. Who is this favorite family member you\u2019re wanting to spend the next two days with then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need me to tell you?\u201d Hutch seemed surprised. \u201cI thought it\u2019d be obvious, Starsk, \u201c Hutch murmured thickly as he lifted Starsky\u2019s hand up to his chest. Hutch pressed Starsky\u2019s hand over his skin so that Starsky could feel his heartbeat. \u201cI\u2019d be one very lonely man if it wasn\u2019t for my favorite person. The one that makes me feel as though I truly belong, truly matter. The person who has this part of me, right here,\u201d Hutch pressed Starsky\u2019s fingers firmly against his chest, \u201cthe person who is my heart, my soul, my equal. My beautiful free-spirited lover. You. Only you, Starsky.\u201d<\/p>\n

After that, Starsky found, and knew Hutch did, too, that the dirtiness of the small room receded, and the monotony of the surveillance job seem less boring. After that, the early hours of the first day of the New Year gave promise that Hutch might well be right.<\/p>\n

Modern families worked.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, if people were really lucky, modern families worked beautifully.<\/p>\n

\"modernfamilypic\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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