Or, how to maintain and fine-tune a lifelong best ever partner-in-all-ways
The fastest way to short circuit (in the good way) Hutch’s brain is to run my fingernails up the back of his thighs. The funnest way is Starsky Logic. The longest way is a warm, wet tongue applied to every inch of him except his magnum. Just remember doing this can cause it to go off without warning and he packs a lot of ammo, so make him clean the mirror. And my hair. The crudest way is to moon him. (Hoping it’ll get to the point Hutch can’t roll his eyes without getting an erection.)
As annoying as it can get, praise Hutch using that ‘positronic reinforcement’ like the K9 squad uses (a kiss for Hutch; not a kibble or bits) when he quotes Shakespeare or that Arab guy among other word-heavy dudes. (That Arab, Kahili Gibbon, wrote something like, “My life is more important than yours because you are my life” – Hutch said he kinda shortened it a bit. Melted me like a chocolate bar in the hot sun and then I let him lick me…) When he whispers “Me and Thee” in my ear while he’s stroking my hair after our lovin’, I can feel his breath all the way down to my toenails. Who knows what else he’s got in that big brain of his that’ll tickle my fancy and my nuts?
Don’t mention you know about Hutch’s Monty Python’s Flying Circus video cassettes. The guy does deserve some secrets. Ideas: get him some Spam for his next birthday; talk him into getting a parrot. (Note to self: teach the freakin’ bird the ‘I’m a Lumberjack’ song.)
Hutch’s song book is his version of a personal journal, but more honest, so only tell him you really like those songs. That’s honest, too, ‘cause he’s never written a crummy one.
I swear he’ll pick a fight just to have sex both ways – angry then make up. Of course, let ‘im. (I ain’t no dummy.)
Keep a list of subjects that get him going, just in case he can’t get fractious on his own. Some things that can always get his tongue and motor going (first one way, then the other):
-
-
- Music related: “All that…
-
…Jazz sounds like they can’t decide what to play or even what key to play in”
…Country-Western sounds like they’re all ready to drink the bar dry and dance like squares, or force the listener into doing it”
…Classical sounds the same”
-
-
- Technology stuff: “Computers are the best thing for humanity’s future”
-
-
-
- Any modern art: “That picture looks like the floor, walls, and residents of the drunk tank on Sunday morning”
-
Make sure he’s always got a cause, ‘cause white knights need a cause (or they feel lost and think they’re worthless). Or a windmill if a cause isn’t showing itself (and seeing him go righteous on something (other than me) is sexy-scary)
Say “I love you” at least once a day and show him you love his flaws as well as his perfections, which, face it, are too many to count. (Too many people said “I love you” to Hutch, but they only meant when he was a better student, more ambitious, made more money, etc. Damned fools.)
My favorite so-called flaw: that divot in the middle of his chest. Actually, it comes in handy. If I lay my head just right on his chest, my nose don’t get squashed. A close second is his stammer. Only shows up when he’s stressed. He’s so vulnerable then, and I get to help him un-stress, and I have a whole long list of what I can use to make that happen.
Favorite perfection (damn! there’s so many!): The way his eyes light up when he looks at me or when he puts clues together, but mostly when he looks at me when he wants me. Close second: His shoulder-length hair; I get a big kick running my hand from his neck to the top of his head and watching that gorgeous hair fan out. Close third: The way he treats the street people on our beat with respect and kindness.
Don’t be stupid and confess to Hutch that I actually like green beans. I’d be an idiot if I didn’t do my part in proving his theory that they’re Viking aphrodisiacs (like I need any aphrodisiac other than Hutch himself). I’ll keep making that face and keep gettin’ good lovin’.
Now that Hutch responds enthusiastically to the smell of cinnamon (a Starsky aphrodisiac), keep stocked up on scented candles, breath mints, flavored lube, fabric softener, etc.
Don’t let Hutch know I’m onto his scheme of “misdirection by chocolate.” Smell of M&Ms, Snickers, and Kit Kats (great for sharing) everywhere? You know that means it’s time to snoop for both presents and chocolate! Gawd, I love March and December! But not more than I love that big lummox.
Every year, go on vacation wherever he wants during the week that has May 15 in it. Be sure to pack our guitars and his song book. (And don’t forget the emergency real food stash!)
Pretty much do anything for him, whether he asks or not.
M&M are MHE Priest & MatSir
Very cute. Starsky knows how to handle his Hutch–and of course Hutch secretly likes Monty Python and knows all the words to the Lumberjack song, AND the 69 song (sit on my face and tell me that you love me….)
Thanks, Dawn, for your comment and the reminder about the 69 song. Seems we both forgot about that!
Duh! I was too in love with plaid shirt wearing, ex-HCtB actor Hutch hearing the Lumber Jack song.
Thank you, Dawn!
That illustration is perfect. Thanks, elves!
And a very heartfelt Thanks to my partner and muse tickler, MHE Priest!
That illo is perfect! hoping we can use it when we post our story on a couple archives.
And MatSir, right back atcha! you’re a marvelous writing partner and I enjoyed every minute (and edit) of it.
So sweet! Starsky knows Hutch very well, but I am sure Hutch secretly knows that Starsky’s only letting him on when he complains about certain foods or music. It’d be interesting to read Hutch’s Starsky manual!
Thanks, M&M! (Also for that mental image of Starsky licking every inch of Hutch.)
Thanks, KiraBerlin. I agree with you; they’re both aware all those complaints are just wind-ups.
Glad you enjoyed that vision as much as I did KiraBerlin. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I love looking at Hutch through Starsky’s eyes, so this is my jam! Now I’m going to be fascinated by the idea that Hutch came into this world with a built in place on his body, just to accommodate Starsky’s nose, when he lays his head on Hutch’s chest, for some time to come. Thanks, I love it!
Thanks, Shazta. I like the way you think about the divot in Hutch’s chest! You’re probably right.
Shazta, Maria is the one who saw Hutch the way Starsky did. I think it’s just more proof that they were made for each other.
Very good-in fact I loved it x
Thanks, Hilly. MatSir and I love this and we’re thrilled that someone else does, too. Just icing on our Yule cake.
Thank you, Hilly!
This is an awesome gift! Thank you so much, M and M! And thank you, Elves for the perfect picture! KUDOS
Thanks, Nancy, and you’re so welcome. The Illo Elves deserve every kudo they get and more.
The elves & Flamingo all deserve to go to the top of Santa’s Nice list!
What a great team you guys make! Congratulations on a sparkling collaboration and a terrific gift to all of us! I’m sure Starsky has other tidbits in his Hutch Manual but these are enough to get us salivating! Thanks, M&M!
Thanks, Pat. MatSir and I took a chance on collaborating and we’re happy with the outcome – so lovely of you and others to agree. We did have more “tidbits” but there was a deadline and we had to stop sometime.
So true! I’m indebted to Maria for her dedication to a deadline. Otherwise we’d still be tweaking and adding on and laughing.
Glad you enjoyed our snoop through Starsky’s journal, Pat! Have a Happy Holiday!
Oh yes, that’s sweet!
Thanks, Silver Chipmunk. I’m pleased you found it sweet, just like our boys.
Thank you, SC. As often as your fic has made me give out a little sigh, I take this as a great compliment.
This was perfect! M&M, you make a great writing team. Hope to hear more from you in the future–perhaps Hutch’s thoughts on Starsky?!
Thanks, EdieCee. Glad you think we make a great writing team; I think so too. And who knows if there’s something Hutch wrote about Starsky?
EdieCee, maybe you want to be a look-out while we fondle, er, explore the guys underwear drawers?
Heart melting, sexy, adorable FUN! You two are a fantastic team of writers! I enjoy the stories you both write separately, but WOW, this story just Made My DAY!!! I am stuck at home in COVID Quarantine and this is EXACTLY the medicine I needed to cheer me up. Thanks so much!
Please tell me more about the green beans are Viking aphrodisiacs??? I have never heard this before (and I have Viking ancestry. I am a descendant of the first 2 kings of Norway and I am a HUGE mythology buff. I do not recall any folklore about green beans…. )
I need to know MORE!! Because y’all just made my dirty mind realize (for the first time) that green beans do look like tiny little alien penises….
In old science fiction books aliens from Mars are always green.
Can I beg you shamelessly for a Starsky & Hutch–Star Trek: TOS Crossover sequel about the Viking green bean aphrodisiacs’????
Kirk is a Scandinavian name that migrated to Scotland with
Viking settlers. In both countries Kirk means “church”. So Captain Kirk would have Viking ancestry just like Hutch does.
I am an avid fan of both shows. And I shamelessly beg writers I like for stories….
If you need any information about Viking legends or Star Trek info or photos, let me know if my Christmas wishes have inspired you in any way. I will be glad to help.
Happy Holidays!
Wow, Ursula! Your comment kinda leaves me breathless. I am humbled by it. Plus, it made my month.
I’m not sure MatSir or I or both of us could do such a xover, but it is an intriguing idea. Thanks so much for asking. And thanks for the offer of help. it’s a very long shot that we’d do this, though.
Not sure about the green beans, but I do they mention of them appears in quite a few fanfics. Just can’t remember from the series, but MatSir did. Maybe she can answer that or some other fan with a better memory for little pieces of banter.
I have no idea what a Viking aphrodisiac would really be (other than a naked Hutch). Someone pointed out that quite a few slash fics have them eating green beans and the idea that Hutch was getting Starsky to eat more greens by claiming and “proving” that green beans are Viking aphrodisiacs was born!
Thank you for the great review and sweet words. Be well and Happy Holidays!
P.S. I should have thought of Starsky telling Hutch they looked like ‘alien penises’! That’s so Starsky! Bravo!
You guys are great! M&M with the crunch coating! LOL! Love the Hutch manual. Good job and quite entertaining. Thanks!
Thanks, kat. We were entertained writing it and so glad we entertained you too.
Thank you, kat!
That was so funny and adorable!!! And how sweet that you guys collaborated on it, thanks for doing that!
And that line about May 15th. Sniff. Poor Hutch. I assume that was a reference to Sweet Revenge?
Thanks, Lauren. We thought we’d give collaboration a try when we had an idea that appealed to us both. MatSir was wonderful to work with.
Yes, that was a reference to Sweet Revenge. It aired initially on May 15, 1979. We decided to use that as “the” date for this story. Hutch suffered in a different way, and those wounds take much longer to heal than physical ones, so an annual vacation seemed like a good idea.
Thanks, Lauren. Once again Maria knew just where to slip a little bittersweet into the recipe.
Like Lauren in the comment above, I wondered if “May 15” was a subtle Sweet Revenge reference. I even looked up the airdate of the episode to confirm. I loved how this hilarious story is interwoven with bittersweet threads, like Starsky knowing that by loving Hutch’s imperfections, he’s helping heal old wounds.
But mostly I’m in awe of how funny the two of you are! Starsky’s observations are spot-on and hilarious, and I 100% believe that this is a snapshot of their life together. Favorite line:
I swear he’ll pick a fight just to have sex both ways – angry then make up. Of course, let ‘im. (I ain’t no dummy.)
Thanks, Garrideb. With a couple people unsure of the significance of May 15, there are surely more who don’t know, so when we post elsewhere in a few weeks, we’ll be sure to include a note about the date.
Your favorite line was written by MatSir with some minor editing by me. I’m sure she appreciates your comment.
I do!
Thanks for the gift! Love the way this is laid out. Starsky knows his Hutch! Especially the line about Hutch needing a cause.
Happy we could give you a holiday smile, Jenny Conti. Thanks for the love!
Thanks, Jenny, for reading and commenting. And so true about Hutch, huh?
Love this ♥️♥️♥️
Lisa Barnes, thank you for the sweet comment!
(Now I wonder if teensy green beans are going to be showing up in you S&H doll pic-fics?)
Thanks for letting us know, Lisa. That warms all three of my hearts, too.
Everyone else has taken the words from my pen. Loved this, think you two make an awesome writing team. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Elaine, so sweet of you to say. We had a lot of fun writing this and so glad you had fun reading it.
The pleasure is ours, Elaine. Glad you enjoyed it.
Sweet and funny! And I love it when Starsky is calculating while playing dumb. He gets that little smile that he’s working hard not to laugh and then it completely disappears whenever Hutch looks at him. Fab!
Queenafoster, that’s just how I pictured him! Thank you for reading and giving compliments.
Thanks, swee’pea! We were going for both so cool that it worked. Starsky is one sly partner.
Starsky ‘wrote the book’ on Ken Hutchinson. How nice of him to share it with us. Not that it will do any good for anyone but Starsky. As it should be. You two make a good team!
Thanks, ChocolateEgg, for your compliments on our story and our team. We hope to have more in the future.
Thank you, CE!
M&M got S&H down to a T! 🤣
I had the same thought as ChocolateEgg–Starsky writing a Hutch instruction manual for himself brings me all kinds of glee. I think the goofy grin on my face is about as wide as Starsky’s right now. Delightful work, ladies, thank you! 👏
PS–‘Kahili Gibbon’ made me laugh so hard, I scared the dog 😆
Thanks so much for your comment, hbb. So cool we gave you a goofy grin and a hard laugh.
Thanks for reading, HBB. Glad you enjoyed our playground! (and apologies to your adorable pooch)
That was adorable! I think Starsky has his partner figured out perfectly.
Thanks, Keri. Hutch isn’t the only analytical one on that team. So pleased you enjoyed it.
Thank you, Keri! We’ll have to see if they’ve left anymore scribbles around for us to find and share.