Or, how to love a crazy but terrific man without going insane yourself.
If he’s eaten super spicy food, insist he really brushes his teeth, lips, and tongue and eats some ice cream before getting near my, as he calls it, ‘morogenous’ zones. A man’s got to protect himself.
If it’s fried, he’ll love it. (I never knew there were so many ways to fry potatoes, kale, bok choy, tofu, and more.)
Keep up the illusion that green beans are an aphrodisiac. (Some of the best use of my undercover talents was convincing Starsky of this.) Fry them on occasion when you’re particularly “hungry.”
Encourage him to at least try “hoot owl beaks and butterfly bones” or whatever he’s calling the healthful foods I eat. Especially if they’re fried. (You’d think a guy that puts grape jelly and spicy mustard on a kielbasa would be more adventuresome when it comes to new culinary experiences. And considering the other things he’s tasted with that tongue, you’d think a banana chip would be easy!)
Avoid this Major Hazard: Keep your hands away from him when he’s eating chocolate and don’t make any fast moves. Only reach out if he offers to share, but do it quickly before he changes his mind. Starsky can smell any chocolate. Even if it’s in the freezer. Wrapped in two layers of foil. Stashed in a bag of beets. If cocoa becomes a black market commodity he’s got a career at border check. On the other hand, I’ll eat chocolate just to entice him into an intense kissing session. And I do mean intense.
When Starsk takes out one of those big kosher pickles that he gets from the deli and starts “eating” it in front of you and says stuff like, “Look, babe! It makes my lips pucker and my tongue feel bumpy. Hmmm. What can a guy do with puckered lips and a bumpy tongue?”, it’s the better part of valor just to unbutton and unzip because you both know exactly what’s coming next.
Hanukkah surprise this year? Ask his mother for Bubbe’s sour cherry pierogi recipe, then ask Huggy for his help and kitchen in making it in exchange for actually paying our beer tab.
Let him express his inner oral fixation as often as he likes. In fact, encourage it (I’m not stupid). This is something we both benefit from. Have knee pads or towels handy if a long session is anticipated. (That ‘double thick lux-feel’ area rug in the living room was a wise investment, hunh?)
Accept the fact he’s a blanket hog, so keep a spare under the bed. Better still, snuggle up against him. He’s like a furnace anyway.
Keep a bottle of Windex and paper towels in the bottom of both bedside tables. Amazing how all those mirrors get streaked at least once a day. I’m not complaining.
Keep a variety of lubes handy. He likes variety. Consider investing in the companies that make K-Y, Astroglide, etc. Maybe learn how to make nut oils (no pun intended), especially since they could serve multiple purposes.
There are four times every year when all I can do is listen to him, even if he’s not saying anything — his father’s and Terry’s birthdays and anniversaries of their deaths.
Start planning where to hide everything before buying his presents. That “spider nest” spot behind the attic fan will only fit so much and last year proves I can’t trust Rosie anymore. (Who knew a sweet little girl from a great home would ruthlessly play both sides for a profit? Kids these days!) Try stashing various chocolates (remember to hide an M&M in your navel!) around the house to put him off the scent of Scotch tape. Find alternative sites. The office at Chez Helene? The evidence lock-up? Maybe see if the morgue has a spare locker? Solitary at San Quentin? Mars?
Watch sci-fi or western movies and TV shows with him. It’s amazing how fast he can grasp a logic or philosophical concept that initiates a fascinating conversation that does get steered into the twisted at times (both are quite enjoyable).
Accept with just enough grumping and bah-humbugging when Starsky suggests a Star Wars Play Date (assume the role of Prince Lay-im with a modicum of grace and don’t roll your eyes too much when Starsky plays Handsey Solo) to make him think you’re doing this only to make him happy. Don’t let on you love this! So go rent Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back while he heads for Mama D’s Bakery and Soul Food Eatery for those really big cinnamon rolls that he eats out the backs so they’ll fit onto my ears. (He nibbles on them so sensuously while we watch the movies but I lose it when he cleans around and in my ears… Thanks to this, I now grow wood when I smell cinnamon. Not necessarily a bad thing; just inconvenient in public.)
When he starts to brag about the size and prowess of his unique “lightsaber with dual injection boosters,” bring him down to earth with, “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?” He always has to prove it (can’t believe he hasn’t caught on to this ploy), so have the lube handy.
On those days when I feel lost or useless, all I need to do is look into his eyes and know that isn’t true. He truly keeps me sane, and much more.
Basically, do anything for him, whether he asks or not.
M&M are MatSir & MHE Priest
Aww. Sweet, sexy, funny, touching and green beans. What’s not to like?😀 Thank you.
You are so welcome, Kate!
Thanks for the comment, Kate, and you’re welcome.
Awwww. There are the green beans again! Love it! The cinnamon buns made me howl with laughter! (I don’t know if I can ever look at cinnamon buns the same way again)!
Thank you so much for this little instruction leaflet!
Glad you enjoyed our handy-dandy owner’s manual!
Double thanks should go to MHE Priest for the pastries idea, she’ll have us all licking our lips for different reasons while standing at the bakery counter.
How about combining green beans and cinnamon – the new cinnamon challenge! Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
As with all our ideas for these two manuals, one came up with the idea and the other expanded and polished.
Who can complain when Hutch gets all heart warming like that? Basically do anything he wants! That Hutch is a very smart man. ❤️💚
Thank you, Shazta. I glad you enjoyed our peeks into their lives, I can’t wait to see what we find next!
Thanks, Shazta. Hutch’s heart is so warm that he’s happy to give the kid in his life whatever he wants.
This actually made me COL (chuckle out loud): “Hanukkah surprise this year? Ask his mother for Bubbe’s sour cherry pierogi recipe, then ask Huggy for his help and kitchen in making it in exchange for actually paying our beer tab.”
You guys should collaborate more often, this was a treat! Thank you, both!
You are most welcome, Pat. Who knows what we’ll find next? 😉
Thanks so much, pat. And it’s certainly my hope MatSir and I will collaborate again. I believe I speak for the both of us that we had a blast!
Thank you for making me smile, and laugh, and really feel like this was by and about our guys.
Smiles are the best thank you we can have! Glad you enjoyed it Elaine.
So good to hear, Elaine! Your comment made me smile, so thanks in return.
Oh this is so funny and cute!
Thank you, Silver Chipmunk! From someone with your talent, that is a great ego boost.
Funny was one of the things we were aiming for, so thanks for letting us know that came across, Silver Chipmunk.
You two are hilarious and hot at the same time in this story.
Hiding M&Ms in Hutch’s navel!!!!
Holy Fetish, Batgirl! I have such a fetish for Hutch’s navel. I went to Fantasyland faster than a rocket to the Moon.
Is this why you two decided to nickname your partnership M&M????
The part about hiding chocolate in a bag of beets made me LOL. You Do realize that is cruel and unusual punishment that is probably against the Geneva Convention, right?
You two have totally made green beans a kinky food for me now. ROTFLOL!
Do you have a recipe for those pierogis??? They sound great!
Thanks, Ursula. Cool to know you’ll now see an M&M in your Hutch’s navel fantasy and you’ll be eating more green beans.
Maybe MatSir has a recipe for the pierogis.
I’m happy that you enjoyed our little instruction manual, Ursula.
I’m afraid I don’t have a recipe, but maybe I can find one for when we post in the Archive? A little Polish food truck here made some killer ones, but alas they couldn’t wait out the lockdown 🙁
And I checked – it’s only against the Geneva Convention to hide chocolate in lima beans, onions or sauerkraut (not that that would slow Starsky down… well maybe the lima beans)
Happy S/H Holidays, babe!
Illo Elves: you delivered a fab illo yet again! Thanks!
You are very welcome!
Amen!
I love it! It shows a lot of the give and take in keeping romance alive…
Thank you, Queenafoster! I enjoyed writing about the guys, sometimes they just seem to be whispering in my ear – or maybe that was Maria? Either way I’m happy to see our work giving fellow fans some fun reads.
Thanks, Queena. The boys are the kings of give-and-take.
That was adorable, hilarious, and fun! And it’s so sweet that you guys collaborated on it. We have such a great fandom!
Thank you! I glad everyone else is having as much fun reading it as we did writing it.
Thanks for the nice comment, Lauren. And if MatSir can tolerate me, I hope to collaborate on more stories with her.
Damn, that was HILARIOUS! So many funny parts:
Starsky can smell any chocolate. Even if it’s in the freezer. Wrapped in two layers of foil. Stashed in a bag of beets. If cocoa becomes a black market commodity he’s got a career at border check.
(remember to hide an M&M in your navel!)
Love their Star Wars ‘cosplay’.
And I love your alias – M&M. Brilliant! I do hope you two will collaborate again. Soon!
Thanks so much, ChocolateEgg. We had a lot of fun, including cracking each other up, that I hope there are more stories in the future. As for our alias: in addition to being our first initials, they’re also a fave candy of ours. I prefer peanut; she’s an almond lover.
Too funny! Love all the Star Wars references and of course, like Starsky, I’ll sniff out chocolate anywhere it is hidden.
Thanks, Dawn! Seems that Starsky would groove on Star Wars. and seems you, me, MatSir, and Starsky have special chocolate olfactory sensors in common.
I was waiting for the other manual to drop! And it is equally a delight 🤗 I’m thinking, though: I know M&M’s are supposed to melt in your mouth and not in your hands, but what about belly buttons? In the interest of science, I think Hutch should report his findings…
Great job, ladies, thank you! 👏👏
So glad you liked it, hbb.
And good question, though if I answer it myself, well, that’s TMI… ;-D